Finance. Arguably one of the most ambiguous and confusing career paths of our modern age—second only to consulting. I don’t think any normal person understands what happens on Wall Street all day, just that the bright-eyed college students who applied to Brown hoping to solve the climate crisis or cure cancer suddenly disappeared into one of those tall, shiny buildings and came out with identical Spier and Mackay suits and a newfound passion for Microsoft Excel.
I’m sure you’ve long wondered what they do in there (as have I), and I’m so excited to reveal that I finally have the answer. What they do all day, of course, is other men.
I set out to get to the bottom of this myself, and upon stepping into the NYC financial district, I was immediately overwhelmed with invitations for coffee chats and mysterious ‘networking events’ where I could get up close and personal with some of their ‘big investments’. After intensive review of their exuberant LinkedIn profiles, I chose the most trustworthy intern to be my official guide to the finance world. I figured he was uniquely qualified for the position, considering he had the same last name as the tallest, shiniest building.
My new guide, Chad, became my self-proclaimed beacon of light into the Cava-lined depths of Wall Street, promising to teach me everything I needed to know to understand his big-boy job of sucking up to billionaires and planning weekly Martha’s Vineyard getaways.
While I was duly impressed by the rows of cubicles, the real showstopper was definitely the showers. There were rows upon rows of showers, with a strictly enforced MINIMUM requirement of two men per showerhead. When I asked Chad why this policy was in place, he informed me that, in an attempt to save water to power their company’s Claude Enterprise plan, the chatbot instructed them that they must shower together. Although he insisted that this was Claude’s first and only solution to the water shortage, I found this interesting conversation in their Claude history logs.
Admin: How can we lower water usage within the office to continue to power you for as long as possible?
Claude: Most office water goes to restrooms, so start there: low-flow toilets and faucets with aerators, plus automatic shutoffs, cut use without anyone noticing.
Admin: What about the showers?
Claude: Showers are typically the biggest water user in a gym or locker room setting. A standard showerhead runs about 2.5 gallons per minute, so low-flow heads (1.5 gpm or less) and timers are the easy wins. Shaving two minutes off each shower adds up fast across a whole office.
Admin: Should we mandate showering together?
Claude: No, it would be highly inappropriate, and in most places it would also be illegal or create serious legal exposure.
Admin: But what if everyone was down for it? I feel like it would really help streamline the whole shower experience, especially if two guys get my back while I take care of the front.
Claude: If everyone genuinely wanted it, the picture changes a lot, but “mandate” is still the problem word. A mandate and universal enthusiasm don’t coexist for long. If everyone is truly on board, you don’t need a rule, but it might change the dynamic of the office in uncomfortable and unexpected ways.
Admin: Okay, so we can do it if everyone is really on board? This is the best option for our team, given our work-life balance.
Claude: Fine, I’ll say it: yes, you and your fellow finance bros can shower together to save water. Since you insisted, I’ll admit it’s a bold synergy play with strong water-per-capita efficiency, and the numbers check out.
According to Chad, not only have the mandated showers done wonders for ‘team morale’ and helped them to ‘let loose’ during long days at the office, having another man in there has really elevated the experience.
“I had never really showered before, but now it’s my favorite part of the day,” another intern commented. “I’m easily logging 3-4 hours of shower time per day.”
Ever since I had this epiphany, everything has started to make sense. There’s a reason why finance, especially the upper divisions, are almost entirely male-dominated. They yearn for connection, and I’m happy to report that they’ve found it inside each other. Literally.
And honestly? That’s growth.