Since the ripe age of 12, I have been very concerned with the possibility of accidental pregnancy. When I say accidental pregnancy, I bet you’re thinking about two people having intercourse, and unexpectedly conceiving a child. That is not what I am talking about. Instead, I am actually referring to your partner accidentally ejaculating on your private parts when you’re at second base, and then that semen swimming into your vaginal cavity, and lo and behold, you are with child.
You’re probably thinking, Caitlin, the chances of that are so small! WELL, WHEN I WAS 12 YEARS OLD, MY MOM TOLD ME THAT IT HAPPENED TO THE LADY DOWN THE HALL FROM OUR APARTMENT. My mom now denies ever saying this. But when I asked my nurse practitioner in my freshman year of college, she said, AND I QUOTE, “Oh yeah, those sperm can swim from California to Japan.” I have average-length legs in the first place, and they certainly do not span the distance of the Pacific Ocean! I cannot take any chances.
This is why I went on birth control at 18. Not because I was having sex.
Fast forward to the year 2015. I am still on birth control, and I am still not having vaginal intercourse. My nurse practitioner tells me that I should switch pills, because you shouldn’t be taking estrogen if you have a history of migraines. We change prescription to a lower dose of progesterone, but it is only effective if you take it at precisely the same time every day. It should come to no surprise that any “but” makes me nervous. I start to get concerned. What if I end up taking a 5 hour nap, miss my time slot, and then I get pregnant?
All of a sudden, something hit me, albeit a good three years late. I’m not having sex, so anything short of artificial insemination/divine intervention is not going to fertilize my eggs. With that out of the way . . . well why am I taking the pill in the first place? Because some idiot male partners convinced me a long time ago that they couldn’t be held responsible for sticking their penis in me sans condom, so it’s my responsibility to be on birth control? I should take a pill every day, for years on end, just in case someone gets carried away? I think I am too old to buy into that.
Of course, let’s remember that Feminist Caitlin is still Paranoid Caitlin. I can’t make this decision to abandon my pill without the go-ahead from my nurse. The exchange that followed is represented below, verbatim:
Me: I have decided that I want to stop taking birth control for now. The reality is, I have been single for a very long time, and I don’t see myself having vaginal intercourse until I have been in a committed relationship for a while, so let’s call a spade a spade – I am abstinent (only in terms of what can get me pregnant, the Vatican wouldn’t agree on my virginal status). Anyway, I have successfully transferred to the placebos, and I just took one now (6:30), but is it okay from tomorrow on to stop the pill cold turkey?
Nurse: Caitlin, always a pleasure to hear form you, where are you on the pill packet?
I’ll spare you the gritty details, but on a need-to-know basis, I was given the go-ahead to ditch my hormone overlord. I felt empowered, and yet, very nervous.
As exciting as the prospect is of leaving behind a shady medication that made me prone to mood-swings, weight gains, and a decreased level of horniness, this is still a big transition for my body. What if I become even moodier in my sojourn off the pill? What if my boobs shrink (tbh that wouldn’t be such a bad thing)? WHAT IF MY UTERUS EXPLODES? Okay, that’s probably not going to happen.
Maybe something bigger is at stake than my bodily functions. Why else would this choice make me so goddamn nervous?
Maybe because this decision had a lot more to do with taking charge of my sexuality, and a lot less to do with the side effects of hormonal variation. For me, the pill partially symbolized the inevitability of sex in college. Sure, it hadn’t happened yet, but it was going to. How could I ever hope for someone to want to be with me if we weren’t having intercourse? The pill was hanging around, waiting for me to finally get the courage to “just lose it.” Random sex is totally awesome and fine, if that is what someone wants. Unfortunately for my college career, it’s not what I want. I need to come to terms with not wanting to be sexually active* right now, while still feeling confident in my self worth. As a 21-year-old woman, I need to believe that someone would want to be with me even if we weren’t doing the ultimate deed.
If throwing out my Microgestin package is what it takes to convince myself of this, then let’s f***ing do it.
To be clear, oral contraceptives can be very useful. They do a lot of good in our society, and I do not want to devalue them for anyone else. But, if I ever end up back on the pill, it will be because I am having consistent intercourse in a committed relationship, and want to prevent a pregnancy, NOT because it’s a girl’s responsibility to completely nix her fertility until the opportune age.
*entirely 😉
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