How Likely Are You to Acknowledge the F*cking Lifeguard?
They see you, but do you see them? Turns out the likelihood that you are aware of the lifeguard is in fact a function of...
Conning Google AdChoices into Thinking I’m a Saucy Woman that Can Seduce Paul Ryan.
Google AdChoices isn’t about who you are, it’s about who you want to be. And I want to be a saucy woman that can seduce...
A List of Very Specific Brown Bears Admirers Submissions Clearly About Me
To the girl singing “Bennie and the Jets” in the Perkins ground floor shower like an Elton John impersonator who has had too much to...
On Unrealistic Abroad Flings: A Side-by-Side Comparison to the Lizzie McGuire Movie
If you are a female ages 19-25, then you were (hopefully) a die-hard Lizzie McGuire fan. You strived to have Lizzie’s wardrobe, a best friend...
The Anti-joke Age
Recently, I was having a chat with my pals Christian and Prakrit in which we recounted our failed attempts at humor during childhood. I told...
If I Were The Bachelorette
It is a truth universally acknowledged that every year one man and one woman must sacrifice themselves to satiate the network gods at ABC by becoming...
7 Ways to Celebrate Galentine’s Day – Comic
Images via Sarah Clapp.
The Poetic Praise of Two Pauls
When people ask me why I write poetry I tell them it’s a means of expression, a way of magnifying and distorting minutiae most people...
I Hate Kids
The thing that freaks me out about kids is that they’re pretty transparent. You can tell if they are lying and you can tell if...
Obituaries of my Fake IDs
Can I write about fake IDs now that I’ve been 21 for a few months? Is there like a statute of limitations on having fake...