With Halloween coming faster than the overpriced costume I ordered on Amazon 12 hours ago, the ever-growing dread of passing time has forced me to reflect on the fact that we’re almost two months into the semester! This year seems to be gearing up to be rougher than ever: with Brown not caring about students with COVID, the Ivy Room still threatening to serve “grain-bowls” (imagine if that menu was actually displayed on the BrownU app!), and the sun starting to set at 5:30pm, we have officially settled into the new semester, folks! While it feels good to be settled, it seems that I’d forgotten certain aspects of college over the summer, and now that I’ve experienced three spooky days of eating at the Ratty for all three meals, the reality of what I have accomplished in these past two months is becoming apparent: nothing but many new lows. However, it’s good to be reminded that even when you’re at your lowest, there’s always somewhere lower to go. Here are some scary new lows you might encounter in your past, present, or future!
You Just Advertised for SV!
I don’t know what kind of grip SV has on specifically sophomore guys that look straight out of an LL Bean catalog, but every time I see @smallvictoriespvd’s shitty photos (that not a singular person looks good in because the flash makes everyone look sweaty and unflattering) reposted on one of these guys’ Instagram stories, I want to contribute even less to this suspicious company. Now, I can’t be too judgmental because I myself have gone to a few SV events, but the way these things are advertised is objectively insane. I don’t know where they acquired the money to pay the entire population of Business-Econ guys to do their marketing for them, but it is cult-like and terrifying. And with their big Halloween event coming up, please don’t reward their behavior; the Uber cost to the venues alone isn’t worth the experience.
You Just Vaped in a Dining Hall!
The last thing anyone wants to experience when stumbling, hungover, into the Ratty at noon on a Sunday is the sickly sweet scent of a Peach-Mango-Banana Flume being blown into the sacred atmosphere of the dining hall. Whatever happened to cigarettes? This is like the worse version of a cigarette with coffee and a pastry. And it may be the most shameful low on this list… My apologies to all who enjoy the classic combo of kale linguica and Blue-Raspberry Ice.
You Just Swiped Right on Someone in Your 11-Person Class (and Didn’t Match)!
It’s hard out here. You see a familiar face on Tinder or Bumble or Hinge, and it’s 12:13 am on a Saturday night, and you went to three awful parties straight, and you’re still way too drunk to be sitting in your room alone, and you see the face of the person whose Canvas post on Marxism in your sociology class really got you going, and the alcohol is convincing you they’re kind of cute at just the right angles, and you decide to swipe right. You can’t take it back, so you immediately remove your card and delete the app, but it’s too late. The realization hits when you wake up on Sunday with hours of reading and P-sets due. Not that I would know or anything.
You Just Ordered a Slutty Costume From SHEIN and Now Your Environmental Science Major Friend Hates You!
I want to personally apologize to Greta Thunberg for me hitting this level of rock bottom, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. Halloween in college is no joke and it’s definitely on me for not planning better, but I’m just not creative enough or willing to spend $40 on something I’m going to wear once. All you have to do is just lie and say you got the costume from DollsKill, and somehow that’s better (even though they’re both fast fashion!?). Now, I definitely do not support buying from SHEIN for other clothes, especially if you can afford clothes from sustainable brands, and I will do my part to make up for this damage to the planet by reusing my Vitamin Water bottle to export other liquids to the function.
You Just Hit on the Only Straight-Looking Man in ZETE!
It’s nerve-racking flirting with women, so sometimes you have to settle. Usually he’ll be just a confused freshman who thought it was D-Tau throwing, and after being dazed and bewildered by the paintings of Coyote and Roadrunner all over the walls (no hate to ZETE, love y’all), will stumble into the room with the license plates (you know what I’m talking about) and unknowingly enter the most LGBTQ space at Brown. He’ll write your number down in his phone, and text you every weekend for the rest of the year, but hey! It was worth it for those 15 minutes of attention.
Hey, so what if you’ve hit a few lows already! The great news is there is still time to hit so many more! With winter arriving alarmingly soon and the last bits of fall shriveling up, there are so many embarrassing and depressing things to come! Have a happy (and hopefully not incredibly embarrassing) Halloween!
Image: Vancouver Courier