ARIES: March 21-April 19
I know you’re itching to make your first-year seminar uncomfortable by picking a petty fight with your teacher. My advice? Try journaling. Your classmates don’t need any more awkward zoom moments than they have already.
TAURUS: April 20-May 20
It’s awfully temping to actually use the unlimited attempts on those Canvas quizzes, but close the laptop, bae. It’s 3 am and you’ve gotten 2.5/13, 17 times. Get a weighted blanket (I recommend 50+ pounds) and get your beauty rest.
GEMINI: May 21-June 20
Everyone’s favorite sign is missing the thrill of presenting a group project in front of the class (c’mon guys, just admit you like the applause). Lucky for you, there’s always the move that’ll make you seem mysterious and totally chill: “accidentally” sending a zoom message to everyone in the class. You know, something along the lines of “sorry guys! that was meant for kathy!”
CANCER: June 21-July 22
Have you shed your daily tears yet? Just checking in, ’cause I know you guys could probably go for a good public cry right now. Try posting a mid-cry pic on your close friends story to share your sadness with a discussion-section-sized audience. It always works for me!
LEO: July 23-August 22
I bet you want to distract your neighbors so badly with an ill-timed joke at the expense of your teacher. Try the zoom personal messages instead! I hear the professor has NO IDEA what you send.
VIRGO: August 23-September 22
Do you miss the rush of clinking around your fancy little pens and tipping your notebook just enough to display your aesthetically-superior handwriting? To cope, you can whip out your notes on the main green or text your friend a photo of the Greek letter you wrote that looked particularly pretty.
LIBRA: September 23-October 22
I know you guys aren’t like teacher’s pets or anything, but is it hard, not being able to ask your quirky sociology TA about his favorite local museum? I feel you. Fortunately, for the low low price of free, you can pop in to office hours just to say hey. I know how much they love it when you do that!
SCORPIO: October 23-November 21
Virtual drama just doesn’t hit the same. Try reacting to random IG stories with the “100” emoji to sow the same kind of excitement and chaos you used to. Even the fire emoji works!
SAGITTARIUS: November 22-December 21
It sure is hard to love travel in the age of corona. To switch things up, you can always try sleeping on the second bed in your dingle or working at your second desk. It almost feels as new and fresh as a hotel across the country!
CAPRICORN: December 22-January 19
Being popular is easy, and it’s never been easier. All you have to do to make a million friends is go to every single club meeting. It’s like a time turner except all you really have to do is join multiple zooms at a time and actively participate in them with vague statements like “no, I think you make a great point, we really do need to consider the subject in all its complexities.”
AQUARIUS: January 20-February 18
I bet you guys are really enjoying all of your assignments and all of your screen time, but make sure you’re taking breaks for self-care! I love a long bath with a bath bomb and some candles, but you can try taking a lukewarm shower with your phone as your only light source for the same sort of experience.
PISCES: February 19-March 20
Are you zoned out right now, reading this in the middle of class? 1. Hop back into that breakout room and 2. try putting your phone in the communal toilet while you’re in class (you’ve gotta de-incentivize it somehow).
Image via Chloe Widman