They say a shark can smell blood from up to a quarter of a mile away. The same is true for us deers with the sweet smell of anxiety (what else do you think draws us to prance in front of headlights in the darkest hours of the night?).
One day, during my usual hours gallivanting about Providence, hiding in bushes, waiting for that saccharine scent of pure nerves to grace my nose, I was absolutely overwhelmed– instead of a faint hint of that blissful smell, a tidal wave of anxiousness completely flooded my nostrils, causing me to blackout for a minute. Upon recovering from this moment of darkness, I commenced by trot up Waterman, towards a campus full of stressed-out adults who needed me now more than anything.
You see, we deer know when human beings need a little something to take the edge off (and what better than a deer). Throughout history, frantic incidences of us propelling ourselves into your spheres of life, joining the chaos, have served as an all-too-needed distraction for you and all your human issues. I think back on all my famous relatives– Bambi, the White Stag, and my distant cousin, Rudolph– and know it is finally my time to quell the anxious air surging about College Hill.
Covertly making my way down George Street, I overheard a group of people talking about bomb threats on campus… Oh Deer…. this may have been a little above my paygrade.
I was absolutely lost in contemplation– where oh where could I insert myself to distract these poor kids? The Main Green was empty, all buildings evacuated. I slipped on my camo jacket (oh yea you stupid hunters think you’re the only ones who’ve got camo figured out? Guess again) and hit Thayer Street, hoping the noises on the liveliest street of Providence will inspire some course of action in my very soul.
As I graced Meeting Street, word of an unmarked package nearby hit me. I made a move towards the Meeting Street Cafe lot and tried to sort out my thoughts. It was in this very moment that inspiration struck like lightning, sparking some life in my plan. I see, through large glass windows, a bunch of kids studying in what appears to be a lounge, the first group of people I’ve stumbled upon all day… I know I can make Doe.
I knew it was now or never. I gave myself a count of three….3….2….1….. And propelled myself through the window. Shards of glass engulfed me, delirium hit my head, and students fled all around. Though my head pounded and I slowly forgot where I am or what I was doing here, as the kids sprinted towards an exit, I knew I’d done my duty and distracted them from the anxiety of potential imminent danger that had plagued them just moments before.
I am glad to have been the most interesting part of your day, students of Brown University. You are so very welcome. I hope you find me and my duty endeering.
update: I have just been informed that I am now a social media star. Thank you BrownUMemes for this big break (though I would like to let you know that I did this all for you guys– I appreciate the love and adoration). Perhaps the anxiety seeping off the Hollywood Hills is calling my name.