Bi-certain
I came out as bisexual this summer. It took me having sex with a girl to confirm it in myself. So afraid of claiming an identity I had no right to, I debated myself out of every non-male attraction, arguing it was envy over lust.
I met J at a work party that my old manager, S, threw. We were helping S turn an old school bus into a mobile home (I’m from Oregon, can you tell?). J complimented my tattoos and I complimented her spiky hair, but that was the extent of our interaction. I spent my time at the party painting flowers on an old cabinet – my contribution, as I’m not much of a handy-woman. Absorbed in my painting, I didn’t think about her or anyone else for those few hours.
Later, when we all ate together, I noticed J’s body (a bad habit from years of dysmorphia-fueled comparisons). I noted how similar it was to mine and how beautiful she looked. That soothed some of my body fears.
S asked me to drive J home after we ate. I was a bit high and tired and didn’t particularly want to make a detour or small talk but, of course, I said yes.
While driving, she told me about the places she and her partner had visited. The rapist they beat unconscious behind a Denny’s in Tulsa. The traveling kids they took in. They were only 18 and 20 at the time. She was so overwhelmingly cool.
Then, out of the blue, she said, “I just can’t stop looking at you.” She said, “I’ve been staring at you from the bus window all day.” She said, “you are just so beautiful.”
I was taken aback. Normally I’m the forward one, but with girls I found it more difficult. I didn’t know the rules and was never sure enough to make a move. Luckily J was sure, so I didn’t have to be.
Blushing hard and making intense eye contact with the road, I responded, “Pshh, no you’re cute.” I said, “I was looking at you too.” I said, “I was sad when you mentioned a partner.”
“We’re open!!!” She flailed her arms a bit when she said this. I pulled the car over and kissed her with the headlights on and I remembered moments that now had a different meaning.
My friend’s 11th birthday where someone dared me to ”make out” with a girl on my soccer team. It was sloppy and there was too much tongue and it only lasted a couple of seconds and I wanted to do it forever.
I had written this off as me just being a horny kid without a place to put that sexual energy. I mean, I was. Ever-curious about the mechanics, I would look up ‘sex’, ‘vagina’, ‘porn’, ‘penis’ in the dictionary. Then, at age 11, I stumbled upon porn after searching for YouTube videos of people kissing. Mistaking attraction for curiosity was an easy leap to make.
A dream I had at age 10 where a mysterious girl pulled me under the middle school’s fire escape to kiss. She had long reddish hair and wore a black denim jacket and Chuck Taylor’s. Kinda punk, kinda goth.
This dream girl was tall, thin, beautiful. She was confident, feminine, strong. These were all qualities I wanted but wasn’t, either because my genetic hand of cards or because I didn’t think I could be. Mistaking attraction for envy was an easy leap to make.
Brown’s ADOCH club fair where I met a beautiful girl representing The Rib of Brown (meta). I knew only that I wanted to be near her and when she said my name I felt warm and blushy and I was maybe even a little afraid of her? She was taller than me. She had long reddish hair and was sporting All Stars. Some things never change.
I wanted to be her friend. Yes, that was it! She was just so cool. And soooo funny. And a little mean? And she worked on a FEMINIST COMEDY PAPER? Of course I signed up (META). I just wanted to know her. But that was all it was, right? Even now, the line between friend crush and crush crush can be blurry. It was an easy leap to make.
But when Jasper and I kissed in my car, and I reached my hand up her shirt, and she ran her fingers against my ear, and we laughed at how 24 hours earlier I didn’t know her and now could guess the brand of toothpaste and deodorant she used (Tom’s licorice, Speedstick ocean-surf), I just wanted to exist with her in that moment. Finally certain of my feelings, I reveled in attraction. She was just so overwhelmingly cool.