Another National Soy Foods Month has come and gone. Sigh. Given this, and the new implementation of Meatless Mondays, I decided to do some investigative journalism on what could possibly be in the Ratty tempeh. As a vegetarian, I hold this topic very close to my heart as the Ratty constantly has extravagant meat options – braised beef stew, foie gras, fucking pork saute – and then places some barbecue tempeh next to it and believes this to be sufficient. I, and other vegetarians, are sick and tired of this inedible nonsense and I wanted to uncover what is making this junk so hard to eat. This is 100% real journalism with real sources and real interviews. I definitely did not make this up.
First, I talked directly to the people – through Sidechat – and obviously, I did not find anything good because the students using Sidechat are more concerned with the “Caswell Shitter” and bitching about BCA. I got a few good suggestions – shoe leather, recycled dorm chairs, broken dreams, scrapped RISD sculptures – but I didn’t think any of them were very well-grounded. I also got a few “Your mom”s but this just fueled my search even more. The people deserve to know and I will deliver.
Second, I stopped people on the street, which is always the most effective way of getting information from people. Many people just glared or said “Sorry, I’m not Jewish” before I could even get the words out, but a few people gave their input (most of them were on the Brown Political Review and wanted to give their opinion about anything). A lot of them had never even tried the tempeh because “it looks like teeth”, but some suggested that the Ratty uses extra gravel from the construction of the eye-sore that is the Performing Arts Center, which I thought was pretty reasonable. That’s some real sustainability and recycling – so green, Brown!
Third, I went straight to the source: the chefs of the Ratty. They obviously did not want to speak to me, probably because they knew I was getting too close to the truth. One worker claimed that “it’s just made from soybeans” and that I was being “ridiculous and annoying” for thinking it could be anything other than soy. I felt like I was being watched, or hunted, so I got out of there as fast as I could. I was so close I could smell it; and I only had one more option.
I went to the final boss: CPax. As soon as I stepped into her office and uttered the word “tempeh”, she yelled for security. I knew I had played with fire, and boy was I about to be burned. I sprinted out of the building and safely got back home, barely. I lay in bed for days, though unable to sleep, because I knew the answer was on the tip of my tongue, yet I could not for the life of me figure it out.
I don’t have much time. So, I’ll get to the point: finally, a few days later, as I sat there with a plate of tempeh in the very Ratty itself, I finally figured it out.
The Ratty tempeh is made of –
I- I hear them outside my dorm. Oh God… Not like this. Okay, the Ratty tempeh is –
They’re pounding at my door. I’m running out of time!
THE RATTY TEMP–