As a first-year, I have the awesome privilege of living in a room on a Keeney hallway right near the building entrance. There’s a lot of foot traffic in my area, particularly on the weekends when the youngins get rowdy (or as they’re saying now, ‘turnt’). One of my favorite parts of waking up on Saturday and Sunday morning is walking down the hallway and seeing the remnants of parties from the night before. The red solo cups, socks, and trays from the Ratty usually don’t bother me; in fact, I usually laugh them off. But last weekend, I saw something so horrible, so disgusting, so heartless–I’m sorry, I’m getting emotional, but I must continue for the sake of all humanity–I saw three pizza crusts, carelessly discarded in a corner.
It looked like a crime scene. Three bodies (crusts), contorted and decaying (getting stale), with blood (red sauce) spattered and seeping into the rug. It is a tragic image that I can never remove from my brain. After the initial shock, I realized I was disturbed for two different reasons.
First: um, ew? I don’t know if you’ve heard, but there are these GREAT things called trash cans that people are using nowadays to eliminate waste, and there are even these awesome ones on campus that are just for compost! Isn’t that nifty!? I also know for a fact there is a trash can approximately 10 steps away from the crusts. This is 2016, so whoever left them there probably has a FitBit or some shit, which means there’s no excuse to not take those extra 10 steps to the trash can. Go ahead. Take the leap. Reach that step goal you set every day and never attain while disposing of your trash properly.
Second: WHAT KIND OF PERSON DOESN’T EAT THE CRUST? THAT’S THE BEST PART! The crust is what holds the pizza together. It is the backbone, the elegant support system for the red sauce and cheese. In fact, Josh Groban’s “You Raise Me Up” is about the crust. Besides its structural importance, the crust provides that delicious crunch to balance out the softness of the sauce and gooeyness of the cheese, which creates an enlightening palate experience.
I believe it is my duty to educate the public on this issue. What other horrible decisions are these non-crust eaters making? How can we just let people who don’t eat the crust be our friends, advice-givers, even family members? They’re the Dr. Oz’s of the world, and the people who eat crusts are the Ellen DeGenereses. It’s like comparing Cars and Cars 2: one of them is a fabulous film that changed your life and made you like Owen Wilson for once, but the other one is a sham of a movie that humanity collectively ignores out of pity.
You should not trust a person who does not eat the crust. For your safety and convenience, here is a list of probable things that people who don’t eat crusts also do. They:
1. Don’t change the toilet paper roll when it’s empty
2. Put spoiled milk back in the fridge to remind themselves that they need to buy fresh milk
3. Use the phrase ‘grammar Nazi’
4. Go to wine tastings
5. Say ‘Queen Latifah’ or ‘Napoleon Dynamite’ when the Starbucks barista asks for their name
6. Clap at the end of movies
7. Manspread
8. Still use the emoticon X D
Not disposing of trash in the proper receptacle is just plain gross, and not eating the crust is an inexcusable and atrocious deed. Please, dear reader, beware of those who do not eat crust. It is for your own safety, and the safety of all humankind.
Images via and via Sam Crausman.