By Jake Gyllenhaal
Hey everyone, it’s me! Renowned American actor and burgeoning music reviewer Jacob Benjamin Gyllenhaal.
I initially reached out to Pitchfork and Rolling Stone to write this piece, but then The Rib of Brown kindly offered to let me be their first male contributor, and I just couldn’t say no!
Initially released in 2012, Red took Taylor Swift (you might know her as my ex, specifically the blonde one) out of the country domain, and into the realm of pop. Well, as the inspiration behind at least a third of the 30-track record, I can honestly say that there is nobody on Earth who is more qualified to review this album than me. Except for maybe Scooter Braun.
So let’s get to it.
1: State of Grace (Taylor’s Version)
Best Lyric: Just twin fire signs, four blue eyes
Worst Lyric: So you were never a saint, and I’ve loved in shades of wrong
Overall rating: I loved the part where she drew attention to my blue eyes, which my mom says are my best feature. Less keen on the line about not being a saint, because that actually goes against what my mom says. Still, overall this song makes me sound pretty awesome. Five stars.
2: Red (Taylor’s Version)
Best Lyric: Loving him is like driving a new Maserati down a dead end street
Worst Lyric: Memorizing him was as easy as knowing all the words to your old favorite song
Overall rating: Loving being compared to an expensive car in this one. Not liking the implication that I am easy to “memorize.” I am a very complex man. Four stars.
3: All Too Well (Taylor’s Version)
Best Lyric: And I left my scarf there at your sister’s house / And you’ve still got it in your drawer even now
Worst Lyric: And you call me up again just to break me like a promise / So casually cruel in the name of being honest
Overall rating: Never liked this one, and the way I am portrayed in it. Thanks for the Gucci scarf, though. One star.
4: We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together (Taylor’s Version)
Best Lyric: I’m really gonna miss you picking fights / And me falling for it, screaming that I’m right / And you would hide away and find your peace of mind / With some indie record that’s much cooler than mine
Worst Lyric: I say “I hate you,” we break up, you call me, “I love you”
Overall rating: It’s so cute and endearing when she sings the part about really missing me, even if the “I hate you” part and the “never, ever, ever” part is a tad dramatic. But I forgive her for that because she compliments me on my super duper cool indie records! I do have impeccable taste. Five stars.
5: The Last Time (Taylor’s Version)
Best Lyric: The parts that Gary Lightbody sings are so relatable!
Worst Lyric: The parts that Taylor Swift sings are so melodramatic!
Overall rating: Two point five stars, all for Gary.
6: The Moment I Knew (Taylor’s Version)
Best Lyric: Should’ve burst through the door / With that “Baby, I’m right here” smile
Worst Lyric: You should’ve been here, and I would’ve been so happy
Overall rating: Again, love when she brings attention to my winning features, hate the totally uncalled for and once sided accusations. Maybe I was stuck in traffic; you don’t know! Besides, turning 21 isn’t even that big of a deal. Trust me. I was 30. Two stars.
7: Better Man (Taylor’s Version)
Best Lyric: But I just miss you and…
Worst Lyric: …I wish you were a better man
Overall rating: This is one of the rare songs where the best line is also the worst line. Obsessed with the fact that she just cannot seem to forget me! But it’s genuinely unrealistic to ask me to be a better man when I am already the BEST man. Three stars.
8: I Bet You Think About Me (Taylor’s Version)
Best Lyric: I’ll bet you’re just fine / Fast asleep in your city / That’s better than mine
Worst Lyric: I don’t have to be your shrink to know that / You’ll never be happy
Overall rating: So many amazing lines in this one. Whether it’s the reference to my organic shoes, my million dollar couch, my upper-crust circle of friends, my incredible city, or the girls in my bed, it’s honestly flattering from start to finish. The only part Taylor got wrong was the part about me having a shrink (I don’t, because I don’t need one) and me never being happy (I literally have organic shoes and a million dollar couch, how could I not be?!). Five stars.
9: All Too Well (10 Minute Version) (Taylor’s Version)
Best Lyric: And you were tossing me the car keys / “Fuck the patriarchy” keychain on the ground.
Worst Lyric: You said if we had been closer in age / Maybe it would have been fine
Overall rating: Okay, so I like the part where she shows what a feminist I am by referencing my “fuck the patriarchy” keychain. But the rest is absolute slander; worse than the original version. Negative one stars.
Overall, this album has some flattering moments. However, it is mostly slander. I, Jake Gyllenhaal, SAG-award winning actor, humbly give it two stars. Better luck next time, Taylor!
image via Ari Brown