It is with great bewilderment and excitement for the future of medicine that I would like to announce that the Brown University Football Team has cured breast cancer by bench pressing on the Main Green with all of their friends. What billions of dollars in science couldn’t do in more than 100 years, the Brown football team did in one day with one bar bell.
Although it is completely unclear how a group of football players and their friends having fun on the Main Green were able to biologically alter the disease state of boobs worldwide, oncologists across the globe have confirmed this to be true; much like these boys have a knack for killing their own brain cells, they are also surprisingly good at killing cancerous cells. News reports have started reporting that breast cancer patients felt a slight tingle in their affected breast(s) and their cancer began to magically disappear around 9:00 AM on Monday — the same exact time Brown Football and their friends began goofing off on the Main Green.
While it typically would have been difficult for journalists to link the mysterious disappearance of all breast cancer to the Brown football team, most (if not all) of them have quite extensive digital footprints. From numerous Snapchat stories, Instagram posts, as well as some thirst trap photos of them benching, seemingly uploaded to their Tinder and Hinge profiles in real-time, reporters were able to link the bench pressing fundraiser to this sudden disappearance of breast cancer in real time. One of the boys even went so far as to send a mass Snapchat to all of his friends that reads, “streaks and recents, snap back if you love boobs🍒👅.”
While this may be the first (pseudo)scientific discovery any of them have ever made without ChatGPT, I believe this is an accomplishment that is worth celebrating. Let’s kill the belief that football players can’t be good at science or school in general, because sometimes when you put enough heads together — yes even heads full of CTE — you can get a medical miracle.
At the time of publication, I am also pleased to announce that Brown Cooking Club has ended world hunger by hosting a ten-person pasta-making workshop in the Danoff kitchen.