Bruno Leader Abby Stinence, ‘27, a self-identified “sex-positive person” who has never personally had sex (but has read extensively about it), spent her Saturday afternoon leading her Bruno Group through a Culture of Consent meeting in one of those bummy ass classrooms in Greg A. She opened with an ice breaker where everyone was asked to share their “consent love language” and was met with several unenthusiastic “Fine, I guess”es.
Having completed Culture of Consent facilitation training for three consecutive years, Stinence reportedly possesses what Brown considers the equivalent of a PhD in theoretical fucking, though her peers insist she maintains ABD (All But Dicked) status. The day she actually has sex, it will be over for you bitches. Mostly the bitch she has sex with, though.
Joining her as a co-facilitator was fellow BWell sex educator Will Powers, whose sex life rarely reflects that of the BWell sex education teachings. Also in attendance were several freshmen, including Tyler Horne-Yi, who entered the workshop on forty-two minutes of sleep after what some might describe as an objectively ambitious Friday evening in one of the gender neutral single-stall bathrooms in Andrews Hall.
Perhaps the most important figure in attendance was Gerald, BWell’s anatomically accurate sex ed doll. Many freshmen noticed that when Stinence was using Gerald for a demonstration, she looked extremely uncomfortable as if she did not know where a penis would be located on a male body. Gerald declined to comment, citing ongoing litigation.
After a non-passionate discussion, Stinence concluded the meeting with a roleplay exercise. Horne-Yi seemed visibly saddened when Stinence confirmed that such roleplay exercise would be strictly verbal, immediately interfering when Powers began to remove his denim jacket.
“Chill, I’m just hot.”
At the time of this article’s publication, Powers shared with The Rib that he added Stinence’s name to a list of Bruno Leaders that he planned to check in on privately.
“I just think she would enjoy some company. You know, away from the children.”
Virgin Bruno Leader Facilitates Culture of Consent Meeting with Freshman Who Had Threesome in Andrews Gender Neutral Bathroom Last Night
