Earlier this month, President Christina Paxson announced that the 2026-2027 would be her final year at Brown University. The question everyone is asking: Who will replace the illustrious Christina Paxson and continue her profound legacy? Here at The Rib, we have gathered a pool of what we believe to be the strongest candidates to take on such a role.
1. Zohran Mamdani
Mamdani has emerged as a top contender and campus favorite after running on a platform focused on affordability for Brown students. His campaign is facing criticism from Brown Corporation members who “don’t understand why a university president needs to care so damn much about student housing.” Students are excited for the possibility of a president that is pro-affordability, pro-divestment, and pro-Blue Room meal swipes.
2. Trisha Paytas
With over ten years of experience in reinventing herself every six months, Trisha brings both adaptability and the type of long-term vision Brown’s administration needs. The Rib anticipates her primary goals to include an expansion of the TAPS department, hiring herself as the 2027-2028 Spring Weekend headliner, and opening a Brown University satellite campus in Malibu.
3. Various “Brownfluencers”
In the era of social media, a coalition of Brownfluencers could really change the trajectory of Brown’s administration for the better. With a collective follower count nearing 300,000, the group has already proven their ability to monetize off of the Brown experience, whether that be teaching assistant roleplay content or displaying the sensation of menstrual cramps through visual art. Under their leadership, Brown could finally begin generating enough ad revenue to pay for the University’s next $50 million venture.
4. AI-Generated Mitch McConnell
As Brown’s first AI-generated president, he promises to bring the University into the future while maintaining the same policies it has had since 1987. McConnell is running on a simple platform of raising tuition, eliminating most departments, and remaining in a Schrodinger state for another forty-nine years.
5. Shiv from Prime Liquors
Who understands the Brown community and its needs better than the liquor store cashier? Shiv has a full, comprehensive understanding of the student body, including who is lying about their age and who is about to have a Really Very Bad Night. His first executive order will be making the Brown Bookstore an official Prime Liquors vendor and permitting the use of flex points at all Prime-affilitated establishments.
6. Lisa Vanderpump
Vanderpump has time and time again demonstrated the necessary leadership skills to run an institution populated by wealthy young people with too much free time, interpersonal relationships, and irresponsible consumer behavior. Now that I think about it, she might be overqualified.
7. Whoever the Current Czar of IGCAC is
A youthful candidate might just be the type of refresher that the new Brown administration needs. A person who oversees nine a cappella groups has already proven themselves capable of handling the skimpiest of budgets, the fragilest of egos, and the annoyingest of humankind. As a Brown student running for Brown students, this individual might just be the most qualified candidate on this list!
Honorable mentions include whoever is in charge of the cookie department in Brown Dining, that one really mean Mail Room employee, the guy who runs Jo’s like the Navy, Ed the Landlord, the middle-aged bartender at Wickenden Pub, Mr. Eugene Krabs, that one lady at Sakura that’s always mad as hell, Andy van Dam, and my mom.
CPax Retirement? Here Are The Rib’s Top Picks for Her Replacement
