On an April 20th afternoon tour that definitely should have been postponed or cancelled, senior Brown tour guide, Mary Jane, proudly proclaimed that the 14 stories of the Sciences Library (lovingly known as the Scili) represent the 14 letters of the English alphabet. Parents and prospective students noted Ms. Jane as having especially bloodshot eyes, but with all the flowering trees by MacMillan Hall, it could have definitely also been due to allergies.
Ms. Jane then proceeded to take her entire tour group into the lobby of the SciLi to present a live demonstration of how the vending machine works, and was even seen licking the glass as her cool ranch Doritos were vended. When asked if she was high, Ms. Jane very coolly, maybe too coolly, replied, “I chose Brown because of the strong sense of community, the Open Curriculum, and the lucrative cannabis laws in the great state of RI. Let’s move on to our next tour stop.”
On the way to the next stop, concerned parents asked Ms, Jane why there were so many people on the Main Green, why there was so much smoke, and why the tour route that once crossed the Main Green twice, now clearly avoided it. “Uh, um,” she replied, “skunks?” When parents pointed out that this did not explain the large plumes of smoke and line around the block at Ben and Jerry’s, Ms. Jane just turned and kept walking.
On the next stop, in the Arts District, Ms. Jane appeared to go wildly off the approved tour guide script, sensing that the parents were on to her. “One of my favorite parts of Brown is going to see art exhibits or going to poetry readings high. I mean…I didn’t say that if any of my supervisors ask you… And these guys,” she went on, “these are my friends, the Tin Foil People. They’re an art installation from Tom Friedman and I am pretty sure the real name of the piece is Circle Jerk or something else of a circular nature… I don’t quite remember. Maybe Circle Friends? Right now, though, they’re kinda making me think of burritos. Who’s down for a Baja’s run?”
After all prospective students and parents declined the Baja’s invite, the tour ended with an overview of housing and dining options where Ms. Jane was genuinely moved to tears talking about Blue Room chocolate chip muffins and Jo’s dole whip.
At the time of publication, the Brown University Office of Admissions prohibits the use of illicit substances while guiding campus tours.