HELL — Moments after passing into Hell, Charlie Kirk was reportedly devastated to discover that while guns do exist in Hell, the Second Amendment does not.
“This is a violation of my constitutional rights!” Kirk shouted before being shot in the neck by Satan, who reminded him, “This is Hell, what the fuck do we need a constitution for?”
The Rib of Brown was granted special permission from Satan to do on-scene reporting from Hell, following the death of Kirk. In an exclusive interview, The Rib asked Kirk to share his feelings about ending up in Hell despite his strong Christian identity. Kirk replied, “Darn, that’s where I am? I guess that explains all the fire and stuff.”
Upon further reflection, he appeared to find some upside to the situation, saying, “I guess at least they let you bomb civilians here without questioning you.”
At press time, Kirk was seen chasing down Ronald Reagan for an autograph.