This Sunday afternoon, the masked assailant known as Dsfa Dafsdfa struck all 11 acapella groups of Brown, excoriating them for frequent “Arch Sings” Concerts under the Wayland Arch. Dsfa Dadsdfa, or “DD” for short, has claimed that these beloved makeshift concerts are “so damn loud”, especially near a “goddamn residence hall”, and has promised (****not threatened****) to escalate this if their very threatening anonymous mass email is not taken seriously. DD has requested that the acapella community of Brown appease them by, perhaps, finding an alternative location for these concerts. As I am quite fond of our acapella groups and hold our campus’s stat of “most acapella groups per capita” near and dear to my heart, I’ve decided to come to the rescue with some ideas for new concert venues.
Late Night Jos
If you’re anything like me, questioning your utter existence makes the oddities of a night out hype as hell. Picture late night Jos, the effervescent stench of beer and crappy frat jungle juice permeating the air, the lifeless eyes of drunk students full of these self-gaslighting tendencies. Now imagine throwing some quality acapella in there – THAT is a night out. THAT is a party. The best kind of nights are the ones that leave you asking yourself “was that real?” Just get an acapella version of ‘Mo Bamba’ or ‘Levitating’ out in that cesspool of college depravity and I can assure that everyone will be dancing and singing along like there is absolutely no tomorrow whether they think it’s actually happening or not.
The Mailroom during the post-class rush
In the same vein of late-night Jos on a weekend night, the mailroom during the prime post-class rush hours is pure chaos. Waiting for a package while Page-Robinson is filled to its brim honestly could be limbo. That little TV blasting the most obscure music compilations is the only distraction from the painful wait you have ahead of you. We could definitely use some acapella-ing during this rush hour, it would surely bring more fans to the groups that could use them most.
The Mochamp Lounge
As a location of notoriety on campus already, I think the lounge would be a great destination to replace the Wayland Arch. It would be very Snow White-esque, and surely the lulling of harmonious voices would attract wildlife to this infamous spot, maybe even another deer. Besides, Mochamp has its own arch too, and North Campus deserves more love than it gets.
The pool in the Nelson
The acoustics in the pool room are insane. The acoustics under the arch are not even in the same realm of comparison as those banging pool walls. Acapella would hit a new dimension of eargasm in the pool. I also heard that people love to get rowdy during women’s water polo matches and hey, maybe they could use some cheerleaders (how come only mens sports get groups to pump up the crowds? The acapella group that books this gig would surely be advocates for women af).
Outside Crew House on a Saturday Night
There is no greater sorrow than being rejected from Crew House (especially during their Harry Potter party when you could beat any one of them at Harry Potter trivial pursuit, but that is entirely beside the point). This all-encompassing feeling of rejection is not only sucky, but it’s practically universal if you’re not at the apex of the campus food chain of sports house acceptingness. What better way to console these lost, party-less souls than with a free acapella concert? Do those of us on the bottom of the pyramid a favor. Note: this can be substituted with any sport house or adjacent community including but not limited to: lantern, dentist, dphi, etc.
Perkins
Give the people of Perkins something they can take pride in. Give everyone else something to walk to Perkins for. Even though this is also a residential part of campus and you may have another anonymous, courteous whistleblower, at least the residents of Perkins will have something they can flex.
Ego
Once again, I save the best for last. As all class of 2024-ers who were on campus during summer semester know, Ego is an alternative dimension, a safe haven, an utter refuge. And as acapella is pretty damn gay if you ask me, what better place to perform than everyones favorite gay club? Gay people love music, duh. And since the on-campus raving for Ego has died down since summer semester, maybe the mass exodus of acapella groups there will revitalize our love for it. Ego deserves the hype, let’s give it to her.
Dearest DD, I hope you find this list of alternative acapella hotspots acceptable. Please do not escalate any further actions against the acapella groups of Brown, or I personally will be heartbroken. That is also a promise, I can ensure you.
Image via Lucy Lebowitz