50 Thoughts That Go Through My Mind When I Realize My Crush Has Read Receipts on His Phone (aka The Curse of iMessage)

1. Oh.
2. He has read receipts.
3. Why does he have them on?
4. Maybe he doesn’t realize you can turn them off.
5. No, everyone knows you can turn them off.
6. What century would he be from if he didn’t know you can turn them off?
7. The 20th?
8. Burn!
9. It’s been 30 seconds since he’s read my text.
10. Fuck.
11. No, keep cool.
12. Maybe he went to the bathroom?
13. He did mention one time in passing how he always gets Chipotle for lunch.
14. Maybe he was busy eating a burrito?
15. Those go right through me.
16. Maybe we have similarly functioning bowels?
17. Gross, I don’t want to think about him taking a shit.
18. He’s probably thinking of a witty comment.
19. He’s gotta keep up with me.
20. They don’t call me “Quick Wit Greenberg” for nothing.
21. Actually, no one calls me that.
22. I should try to make that a thing.
23. Maybe I should mention that to him?
24. That can be, like, our inside joke.
25. And we’ll have little pet names for each other.
26. That would be so cute.
27. Wait.
28. What if he hates it?
29. And thinks it’s so stupid?
30. And he thinks I’m stupid?
31. What if this nickname hinders him from ever getting to know more about me?
32. I don’t want to be forever known as the self-proclaimed “witty girl.”
33. I have so many great attributes!
34. I cannot be contained to just one label.
35. It’s been, like, 2 minutes.
36. Does he not realize the agony he’s causing me.
37. He’s so insensitive.
38. If he can’t even value my feelings, how can we ever be together?
39. What if our children get his inconsiderate genes?
40. People will be like, “Oh Allie’s kids, they are so insensitive. They get that from their father.”
41. My mother would be so disappointed.
42. Wait the typing bubble appeared!
43. He’s writing.
44. OH HAPPY DAY!
45. Could he type any slower?
46. Before Christmas, buddy! Sheesh.

Text message: Not much. what u up 2?

47. Oh My God.
48. I can’t even.
49. That’s it.
50. We’re getting married.

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