Nothing turns men off like the knowledge that their sexual partner has bodily functions. If your man finds out that you experience the same biological processes he does, he’ll be forced to recognize your humanity-so not hot! Here are some fun and flirty ways to keep him from ever finding out that you’re not just a hot, sex robot put on this earth to fulfill his desires:
- If you have to use the bathroom when you’re together, tell him “I need to step out for a breath of fresh air!” and then promptly take care of your business in the yard. If dogs can do it, so can you!
- Make sure your date ends approximately 20 minutes after you’ve consumed your meal, so the digestive process will have not yet reached its conclusion. Bonus: since you cut the date short, he’ll wonder why you don’t want to spend more time with him and so ensues intrigue. You’ll have the power until the next time he demands to pay.
- Fill your underwear with rose hips, so if you fart, it will smell like flowers. This is how girls are supposed to smell!
- Don’t eat. If you don’t eat, you don’t poop! It’s simple science, which you can’t let him know you understand because he might find that threatening and break up with you which would leave you untethered and bereft of meaning in this icy, icy world. Just to really throw him off your trail, maybe even ask him to explain something simple to you, like how he made the spoon stick to his nose 5 minutes ago – it was so hilarious!
- Eat flowers. (See this link to learn about identifying edible wild flowers.)
- Tell him you’re feeling tired. But do not, under any circumstances make this sound like you’re not interested in him because he can NOT handle that. He’s never been turned down before, or at least not that he’s been willing to acknowledge, and if he thinks you’re doing that to him, he will call you a slut, which you are for not being attracted to him, obviously.
- Tell him the dog did it. He probably has a big dog because a small dog would make him feel insecure about his own… size. He loves his dog, probably more than he’ll ever love you. And it’s like he keeps telling you: dogs are a man’s best friend, so he won’t be upset with the dog for defiling his new shag carpeting.
- Poop in his garden; it is great fertilizer. He’ll thank you later… Or he won’t, because he can never know. It’ll be our little secret 😉
- If you do happen to fart, this is not as bad as pooping, but it is still a bodily function produced by you, a woman and therefore unacceptable so you’ll have to play it off; When he inquires about the smell, say “Well, that’s the last time I’m cooking dinner!” And then run into your kitchen and put the tea kettle on so its screams will cover your own as you think about why the presence of this man disallows you from existing as a full human woman in your own home.
- Straight up wear a diaper. Babies have been doing it for years and honestly, maybe they’re onto something – why should they have all the fun?!
The most important thing through all of this is to not think about the implications of this man seeing you as a commodified subhuman for him to play with. Because if you do this, you’ll spend the rest of your life mid-shriek as the reality of our society founded on principles of sexism, racism, and commodity sets in.
Now, go get it, girl!
Image via.