Ah yes, love is in the air…and boy does it reek! Whether you’re feeling romantic or repulsed this Valentine’s Day, The Rib is committed to helping you show your significant situationship that you care…like at all. So forget about raiding the aisles of your local CVS and look no further than The Rib’s 2023 Valentine’s Day Gift Guide!
- The Time of Day
Gentlemen, you certainly know how to put the hell in ‘Hello’. Don’t play blind – we met in a dark and crowded Crew basement, surely you can spot us in the light of day. We know a wave is quite a commitment – and lord knows you hate those – but we promise not to propose when you pay us attention. And while you’re at it, take a walk on the wildside and respond to our text. Nothing gets us ladies going like basic communication. Forget dirty talk, for heaven’s sake, just talk!
- Pigeons
To help retrieve all the breadcrumbs you’ve left for her.
- A Grammarly Subscription
Now once you start talking things can get dicey. What if they respond? What if they ask a question? Don’t panic! Grammarly is here to help. Yes “K” is grammatically a letter, but it’s bland and lacks substance. Grammarly’s cutting edge technology can help you craft compelling and understandable responses like, “Yes” and even “Sounds good”. We know these texts exceed your usual 2 character limit, but this Valentine’s Day we challenge you to step into the realm of multisyllables.
- A Blast Suit
To protect her from your love bombing.
- Advil
Nothing says “I love you” quite like Ibuprofen. As much as we women love a good word game, deciphering your mixed signals is more than we can take! Give your girl a break from brain teasers with a healthy dose of Advil; she’ll need it to read between your blurred lines. And while you’re at it, give your girl the gift of a good night’s sleep. As soothing as the chime of your 2 a.m. “U Up” text is, you’re no Harry Styles, so kindly ditch the late night talking!
- Fire Extinguisher
To help put out the flames of your gaslighting.
- An Intramural Membership
This Valentine’s Day, your s/o may be in need of a little contact…sport. And as fun as it is playing on your roster, give a girl the gift of real competition. For the first time in a long time, she may even score! Intramural offers a consistent weekly commitment, which – let’s face it – you never could. In the end, she’ll win a t-shirt that’s sure to outlast your relationship…and that’s more clothing than you were ever willing to give her in the first place.
- A Vibrator
Even Batman needed Robin.
- A Breakup Playlist
Let’s face it gentlemen, we women don’t grovel…we hot-girl walk. If you feel your situationship is soon to set sail, give your girl the gift of a soundtrack to celebrate her impending Villain Era; you’ll probably think this song is about you…and it is. Afterall, no one says “Good Riddance” like Ariana Grande or “Buh-Bye” like Beyonce Knowles. So save yourself from the Louisville Slugger — I promise she’ll find Someone Like You.
- A Punching Bag
For when you inevitably drive her to violence.
Gentlemen, forget the chocolates, flowers, and teddy bears. Nothing gets us ladies going like the bare minimum. Once you’ve mastered the basics, maybe we can graduate to actual gift-giving. Remember, Rome wasn’t built in a day and your city is in shambles.