It's a Girl Thing, Life & Other Drugs, Love & Romance

An Open Letter to Kindred Suckers for Smucker’s (Uncrustables)

April 13, 2017

Dear Fellow Fan of Smucker’s Uncrustables Sandwiches,

No one ever said having this whimsical of a snack preference in college would be easy. You’ve seen the more sophisticated on-the-go food choices: the notorious handful of almonds that every women’s health mag you’ve ever read has tried to stuff down your throat, a two square centimeter swath of fruit leather from Whole Foods that smells like Play Doh and costs ten dollars, or perhaps simply a line of raw quinoa, snorted rather than orally consumed for the sake of more efficient ~gains~.

But your snack choices are not guided by the urge to appear tasteful, but rather for the sake of tastiness itself. And let’s face it, my friend—there is nothing tastier than the industrially crimped edges of ridiculously soft wheat bread, encapsulating generous layers of peanut butter and jelly, all contained by a flashy and fun gingham wrapper. With each bite of this delicacy, sugar and salt rave in your mouth with the ferocity and joy of white middle-agers at a Bruce Springsteen concert.

Sure, it’s not healthy in the classical sense, but this sandwich has real chutzpah, just like you. It’s the type of thing you grab when you realize you haven’t eaten yet today and it’s already 3:00 p.m. Maybe you should’ve grabbed breakfast at some point, but instead you spent the morning playing Animal Crossing on your DS and you forgot to save your game the night before, so you received a stern talking-to from an overly aggressive mole named Resetti. And when you encounter that type of pure rage at the top of the day, you’re bound to forget your appetite for a couple of hours.

Or maybe you’re at Jo’s on a Saturday night with pals already recalling the memories of the night: building a spontaneous blanket fort in your room, watching Tarzan, or exploring a certain mysterious trap door in a certain designated study space for first-years.

So, enjoy your childlike indulgences, no matter how sugary and over-processed they may be. Your metabolism is the fastest it will ever be, so get your kicks while you can. If a small disc of savory-sweet goodness brings you joy, eat the damn sandwich. In the words of the Travel Channel’s most revered television host, Andrew Zimmern: “If it looks good, eat it!”


Sucker’s Girl

Image via Anne Warner.

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