Life & Other Drugs, Satire

Milk, Bread, and Netflix

January 29, 2016

I’m a typical Long Islander. I have a terrible accent, I fold my pizza in half when I eat it, and I know how to survive a snowstorm. I live in the Northeast. I’ve seen my fair share of Nor’easters, so Winter Storm Jonas came as no surprise to me. Been there, done that. When you get to my age, you learn a thing or two about surviving large amounts of snowfall. Wisdom comes from experience.

You amateurs think you truly know the key ingredients to surviving a blizzard? Milk and bread you say. How pathetic. I’m tired of watching you people fight over the last remaining gallons of 2% milk. Your carts filled to the top with various brands of multigrain bread. No, you don’t need 5 packs of water bottles. Your tap will be just fine. Trust me. I don’t want to have to wait on never-ending lines at the supermarket in competition with doomsday preppers just because I couldn’t say no to a sale on Goldfish. It pains me just thinking about it.

Instead of loading your shopping carts with excessive amounts of bread and milk, you should be filling your virtual shopping carts with a Netflix subscription. That’s right. The quintessential item you need to survive a historic blizzard is an on-demand Internet streaming media. The best part is that it has a longer expiration date than milk.

A stable source of food and water pales in comparison to a source of entertainment during a snowstorm. What are you going to do during a 36 hour blizzard anyway? Talk about your feelings? Read a book? Decide on your schedule for this upcoming semester? Ridiculous. A Nor’easter is the perfect time to binge-watch that show everyone’s been raving about instead of re-watching episodes of that one series you still can’t move on from yet. It’s not my fault that Parks & Recreation is literally the essence of perfection.

Nothing can go possibly wrong while watching Netflix during a snowstorm. It’s not like blizzards are usually accompanied with high winds which often results in the loss of electricity. And you kinda sorta need electricity to access the Internet in order to watch Netflix… You know what’s a good idea? Investing in a generator. Put it to good use to power up some Netflix!

Here are some of my personal recommendations from my own experiences during Winter Storm Jonas:

Ice Age: The Meltdown

Forget about the 3 feet of snow you need to shovel the next day and dream about what it’s like to live on a planet that has a rapidly warming climate leading to the mass extinction of species and rising sea levels. Just imagine it.

Penguins of Madagascar: The Movie

Soon your front lawn is going to look like Antarctica. Might as well look for some penguins.

Brother Bear

Miss your fellow Brunonians? Want to get back to Brown as soon as possible? Unable to open your front door because there’s too much snow? In honor of all the cancelled flights and trains back to Providence, watch a movie about some brown bears. going on a epic journey that will probably make you cry

And there you have it. Francesca’s Declassified Blizzard Survival Guide. You’re welcome, my friends.

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