Narrator: (sounds a lot like Christina Paxson) Prospective roommates Katelyn and Caitlin are looking to share a room during sophomore year. With high expectations and low numbers in the housing lottery, can these friends settle on a double? Let’s meet them.
Katelyn: Hi, I’m Katelyn. I’m a freshman concentrating in Applied-Math-Econ-CS-Biology from Portland, Maine. I currently live in Andrews, and am looking for the same brick aesthetic and access to breakfast burritos in my new room. My other must-haves include natural light, quick access to a laundry room, hallways that don’t smell like weed 100% of the time so my parents don’t give me that look when they visit, and a spacious closet.
Caitlin: (looks just like Katelyn, except with a pointier nose) And I’m Caitlin. I’m a freshman concentrating in Econ-CS-Applied-Math-Biology from Portland, Oregon. I live down the hall from Katelyn in Andrews, so naturally I’m not ready to give up that sweet sink in the room set up. But really, I just want a bike rack outside, a single bathroom, a hot neighbor I can have a star crossed love affair with, and hardwood floors.
Katelyn: Oh yeah. Hardwood floors.
Caitlin: (demonically) Hardwood floors.
Narrator: Katelyn and Caitlin are going to meet with their upperclassman friend, Kaitlinne, who will show them three rooms in three buildings across campus.
Kaitlinne: (eating pho, splashing the broth everywhere) So, tell me, what’s your place in the housing lottery?
Katelyn: (looks at Caitlin, grimacing) We’re at the bottom of the third to last page.
Kaitlinne: (inhales sharply, nearly choking on a large basil leaf, with a face that screams ‘Perkins’) Well, I think there are still a few options within your number-range. Why don’t we get started?
Narrator: Kaitlinne takes Katelyn and Caitlin to Olney Hall first. With a central location on Wriston Quad, Olney offers accessibility to many on-campus amenities and also the opportunity to be awoken by loud youths late at night.
Kaitlinne: I know the interior smell leaves something to be desired, but trust me, the rooms are spacious. What do you think so far?
Caitlin: My first impression is that a frat lives here.
Katelyn: My only impression is that a frat lives here.
Kaitlinne: (opening up the door to a room) As you can see, the rooms here are very open and, oh, uh… (trailing off upon noticing a very large stain on the floor)
Katelyn: Uh…
Caitlin: Uh…
Kaitlinne: Did I mention the Ratty is like, right over there?
Narrator: Kaitlinne then takes Caitlin and Katelyn to Grad Center, which has the unique added benefit of doubling as an indestructible and unnavigable shelter in the event of nuclear fallout, a zombie apocalypse, or student riots if Dave Binder stops coming to Spring Weekend.
Kaitlinne: Well, welcome to Grad Center. It’s a very special place, as you can tell. I mean, all of your guests are bound to get lost on the way to your room so there’s extra fun built in to living here.
Katelyn (pacing along the hallway of a suite): Hmm, I don’t know. This feels like a big fixer upper. The curb appeal is really lacking—it’s so 1968—and everything just seems kind of sad in here.
Caitlin: Maybe a coat of paint on the exterior could spruce it up? We could take on some renovations. Install granite countertops, an infinity pool. The whole works!
Kaitlinne: I’m pretty sure you’d be charged for room damages if you made any drastic changes.
Caitlin: (rolling her eyes, whispering to Katelyn) See, I told you we should have hired a Property Brother.
Narrator: Kaitlinne finally takes the girls to Perkins Hall. Although it was recently renovated with a large newly furnished lounge, you cannot escape the fact that Perkins is very far away from everything and that the tiled walls make the upper floors seem like hallways in a sports club.
Kaitlinne: Here’s the final room. It’s a bit snug, but there’s a kind of hipster-charm to almost living off campus.
Katelyn: It’s just so outside our neighborhood. It would add an extra 5 minutes to our commute.
Caitlin: But there’s a school across the street.
Katelyn: (confused) We don’t have kids.
Caitlin: I figured that after we got a FAFSA marriage, we’d adopt a child.
Katelyn: (very confused) FAFSA marriage! Child?!
(Katelyn and Caitlin stare at each other intently and awkwardly. Kaitlinne stares into the camera, unsure of how to navigate this dynamic).
Kaitlinne: Do you want to see…the kitchen?
Narrator: Katelyn and Caitlin get together just before their housing lottery time slot. What will they choose? A centrally located double with a mysterious stain that probably involved a six pack of Natty Light? A concrete bunker with potential for illegal improvement? Or a remote room where the girls can start a family? Katelinne follows up with them after they make their decision.
Katelinne: (with a mouth full of spicy with) So, what’d you choose?
Caitlin: We chose…
Katelyn: Perkins. Mostly because it was the only dorm left for us.
Caitlin: And it’s in a great school district.
Katelinne: (unsure whether to interpret this as sarcasm) Well…that’s great.
Narrator: Six months later, Katelyn and Caitlin settle into their Perkins double, putting up their matching John Belushi ‘College’ posters and making their beds with their matching Bed, Bath & Beyond comforters. Cozy and clean, their room has become a place for studying, hanging out with friends, and crunching the financial aid numbers to see if marriage is worth it. Hardwood floors are soon to be installed.
Images via Sarah Clapp and via.