The innocuous seven-year old boy didn’t know he had opened Pandora’s box. Every week I help mentor a 2nd grade class at an after-school program. Happily line leader, the boy looked up at me and asked what was on the back of my front teeth. So unassuming, so sweet, he didn’t realize that I was internally fuming with anger. To add insult to injury, he commented that my teeth weren’t straight and asked why I never had braces.
So in response, I smiled and politely said the metal things on the back of my teeth hold in my fake teeth and that I did in fact have braces. What I failed to mention to the child was all the agony and suffering my teeth have caused me.
A Brief History of My Teeth:
After I lost the teeth next to my front teeth, my eye-teeth, the dentist told me I didn’t have the adult teeth that were supposed to grow in. I just wasn’t born with them. Thus to make room for implants and straighten my teeth, I got braces in the 6th grade with the promise that they would be removed by the time I entered high school. And they were, until my orthodontist realized they should have been on for a little longer. This happened another two times.
Apparently I have a really small mouth, so to make room, my front teeth ended up protruding drastically. I had to pick my battle – slightly bucked teeth or no teeth at all. We decided then to put temporary tooth implants into my mouth, which my gums ended up rejecting. I ended up with no teeth, and blistered and bloody gums for a couple of weeks.
We then moved to another orthodontist. My orthodontist sadly told me I needed braces. Again. Once they were off, he gave me a temporary Invisalign that held two fake teeth. And that was just dandy until one fell out. My mom saved the day and realized that if you shoved a cotton ball into the Invisalign, it closely resembled a tooth. For a good full day, I went around with a tooth imposter in my mouth. Finally, I met with a periodontist to put a Maryland Bridge in my mouth – basically a retainer with fake teeth heavily glued on to my other teeth, hence the metal backings on my front teeth.
Visual Reference: This is what I sort of looked like without my teeth.
I’ve finally come to terms with my teeth. They may not be perfect, but at least I have a full set. Except I have to avoid black lights at all costs. Apparently whatever material my fake teeth are made of don’t show up under black lights. All my teeth turn florescent, except for the two black holes that would have been my eye-teeth. My friends discovered this the hard way. I still haven’t recovered from their screams.
My teeth are one of very many soft spots for me. Everyone has at least one Achilles’ heel – a bad nose job, a birthmark that slightly resembles Betty White, or toes that look like fingers – unless you think you’re flawless. In that case, I do have to commend you for your amazing confidence, but you’re not invited to my Let’s-Self-Loathe-and-Drink-Wine Party. At some point, you will have your own curious seven year-old boy equivalent innocently ask you about your most embarrassing flaw. You just have to hide the pain and resist yelling, “fuck off.”
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