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It's a Girl Thing, Satire

We’re Obsessed With This Liquid Lipstick Collection Inspired by the Morrill Land-Grant Act of 1862

April 21, 2017

The. Wait. Is. Over.

After six torturous months, we’ve finally got our hands on them. And we’re never letting go.

In case you haven’t heard/ don’t have internet connection/ live under a rock, Old Crone Cosmetics just dropped their  highly-anticipated Morrill Land-Grant Act of 1862-Inspired “Granted” liquid lipstick collection. It’s got 12 gorgeous shades ranging from pinks to nudes to reds to yellows (say what?!) and everything in-between.

Ever since BH Cosmetics dropped the Galaxy Chic Palette in 2012 and Too Faced the Funfetti Collection in early 2017, it feels like makeup fans everywhere have been lying in wait for the next big thing. And (you heard it here first) “Granted” is it. It’s fearless, it’s flawless, and it’s inspired by one of the finest pieces of legislation concerning proceeds of federal land sales this country has ever seen. Continue Reading…

It's a Girl Thing, Life & Other Drugs

People Who Throw Spaghetti Against the Wall to See if it’s Done

April 13, 2017

There are three big things that I remember seeing in the movies before I saw them in real life: sex, communion, and throwing spaghetti against the wall to see if it’s done. Needless to say the last one horrified me the most.

Even in the context of a rom-com, I couldn’t imagine anyone who eats so little spaghetti and is such a devil-may-care character for this to be a reasonable thing to do.

“But” some people will say “it works.”

You know what also works? Tasting the spaghetti.

And what happens after you throw the spaghetti against the wall? Do you leave it there? Do you clean it up? Do you display it like a trophy from a big-game hunt? Do you leave it as a snack for Santa?

Imagine, for a moment, if we extend the logic of throwing spaghetti against the wall to see if it’s done to anything else: “Just throw the green beans against the wall to see if they’re soft enough.” “Just slap the steak against the fridge to see if it’s medium-rare.” “Just toss the children I’ve been fattening up in the basement to see if they’re ready.” Completely absurd.

“But” some people will say “it’s just fun.”

Throwing spaghetti against the wall is fun in the same way that riding a unicycle to work is fun. It’s fun in the same way that lighting your entire house with tea lights is fun. It’s fun in the way that cutting your toenails with a chainsaw is. That communicating by carrier pigeon is. Throwing spaghetti against the wall is fun in the same way that driving a 1979 Ford Pinto in bumper-to-bumper traffic while smoking a cigarette, pissing into a beer bottle, and not wearing a seatbelt is fun.

Throwing spaghetti against the wall to see if it’s done represents an absolute compromise of common sense in the name of whimsy and makes a spectacle for spectacle’s sake. It’s a self-indulgent performance art that derives pleasure from its own absurdity, recklessness, and sheer disregard for other humans.

It is my firm belief that the people who throw spaghetti against the wall are the same people who would’ve thrown tomatoes at medieval people in the stockades.

I would not trust someone who throws spaghetti against the wall to be the godparent of my child, to watch my cat for a weekend, or to wear black to a funeral. These people are unadulterated loose cannons that make the choice to live their lives in a rose-colored haze and slowly depreciate the resale value of their house. These people find delight in subverting social mores bringing a whirlwind of chaos wherever they go. Just like Zooey Deschanel, Steve Jobs, and Lucifer did.

 

Image via.

It's a Girl Thing, Life & Other Drugs

I Analyzed the Flag Animations on the Google Docs/Sheets/Slides/Forms Landing Page for No Reason and Now You’re Gonna Hear All About It

April 11, 2017

Abstract: 

Ever wanted to dig deep into the nitty gritty details of an advertisement and see if it just falls into pieces? This project does just that with the google full google suite (docs, sheets, slides, and forms) and is going to tell you all about it. You’re in my playground now, kiddo.

 

Introduction:

In case you haven’t made the mistake of going to google.com/docs/about instead of google.com/docs–here’s what the landing pages look like.

Docs

where faceless milktoast yuppies look at houses

 

Sheets

where faceless bikers all wearing the same helmet ride into the doom canyon

 

Slides

where a meditative child in pristine beekeeping attire stands in front of a slightly taller child with no face

 

Forms

where two hands lightly grasp a campfire treat. These two hands may or may not belong to the same person and you can convince yourself either way if you stare at it long enough. Also no faces.

These landing pages have an inoffensive little flag animation that resembles people typing into a google doc and replacing the central adjective. The question remains, however, what happens when we examine each name, adjective, and their respective frequencies?

 

Hypothesis:

I’ve honestly got no expectations for this.

 

Hopes:

Under strict scrutiny this seemingly-well constructed ad will wither and die. Or reveal some kind of easter egg.

 

Data:

I examined these four landing pages for about seven whole minutes and here’s what I found:

  • Every page has a rotation of three flags that always appear in the same order: yellow to pink to blue and back to yellow again.
  • A complete rotation lasts about 15 seconds, with 5 seconds per flag
  • Some names re-appear while other names are one-hit wonders
  • Reappearing names have consistent flag colors
  • These names are all lame and white
  • With the exception of Sage, which is pretentious and white

I then made a chart displaying how often each “person” appears and what adjective they type in:

 

Analysis:

Google’s ad campaign is at once completely haphazard and bizarrely repetitive. Words repeat but not often enough for it to seem purposeful. Characters repeat but with no consistency or reliability. It’s absolutely maddening.

From the data collected in the chart, however, I was able to divine the character of each “person” Google created:

Pam: Pam’s the one that does all the work for the group project. She’s everywhere you want her to be and everywhere you don’t want her to be, but you’ve got to admit that she’s got zeal. She’s got a son who’s looking at Northeastern and isn’t afraid to let you know. When men ask for Pam’s number she gives them her business card.

Tom:  Tom’s the type to be mad that his flag color is pink and only knows two adjectives, apparently. His two favorite things are his La-z-boy chair and his fishing rod collection, but if you ask him in person he’ll say they are “Friday nights with the boys” and “making a difference.”

Kim: Kim think’s she’s hot shit when it comes to conflict resolution because she did debate team in high school but breaks down when her sandwich is stolen from the fridge. She’s the kind of person to ask “oh, how are you?” while walking away because you both know she doesn’t give damn about the answer.

Sage: Sage reads articles in the New Yorker and then tells you that he read an article in the New Yorker. He also signs all of his emails with “cheers” because he had a British roommate once.

Jake: Jake’s a simple man. He says there’s “nothing wrong with the office coffee” and things like “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” Jake has the same shirt in four different colors and has never seen a macaroon in his life.

Brittany: Brittany may or may not have stolen Kim’s adjective and her sandwich from the fridge, but you’re not going to ask her about it because there’s a rumor flying around that she’s keyed someone’s car. Brittany’s also very form over function. That’s why she spelled her name like a goddamn maniac.

 

Conclusions:

My hope that this ad campaign would wither and die under further examination was met with mixed results. While on one hand there was consistency and repetition, on another hand the repetition itself seemed more lazy than intentional and kind of lame for a company worth $500 million.

While I was unable to find the great Google easter egg, I hope that in publishing this data someone may be able to catch something I have missed. Until then, Godspeed.

Image via, via, via, and via.

It's a Girl Thing, Love & Romance

Catfished: Lumiere Was Hotter as a Candle

March 21, 2017

Beauty and the Beast is a controversial children’s movie about Stockholm Syndrome where man lies with man, woman lies with beast, and inanimate objects lie in wait to become human again. Amidst all of this controversy I would like to raise one additional concern, and that is that Lumiere was hotter as a candle, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about it.

One may argue that Beauty and the Beast advocates looking past physical appearances and towards the true beauty that lies within. And that’s fair, but I would like to argue that Beauty and the Beast also claims that if you look past someone’s physical appearance for enough time, and that person happens to be under a magical curse, you will eventually be rewarded with a hottie.

So what makes candle Lumiere hotter than human Lumiere? Is it the fact that his candelabra proportions set an unrealistic standard for male beauty? That his tall, dark, and thin candle bod just isn’t attainable in a human? Is it the error of costuming and the fact that human Lumiere looks like he’s stuffed into that three piece like it’s a sausage casing? Is it because the color of human Lumiere’s wig doesn’t match his facial hair? Does Ewan McGregor, for whatever reason, just not do it for me? Who’s to say. But for some reason the artistic directors made the choice for Lumiere to be hotter as a candle than as a man and for his eventual reveal to be a total let-down. And I feel betrayed. And is that wrong?

Here we transition into the ethics of anthropomorphizing and assessing the desirability of something you can find in a Home Goods. And it’s a real gray area. While on one hand it might be my fault for being an absolute freak, on the other hand Disney has purposefully crafted Lumiere to be seen as a romantic object (pun intended) through his relationship with the feather duster.

 

If we draw the line at inanimate objects, is it okay to think that Simba is hot? Or is Lumiere more acceptable because you know there’s a human within? But once you know what the human within looks like, and you then want to go back to the candle—what does that make you? Someone who wants to fuck a candle?

In conclusion, I’d just like to say that Disney opened up more than one can of worms with this latest artistic endeavor, and that while I’d be candle Lumiere’s guest any day, if human Lumiere with his ring-clad pinky finger and smug little face were so inclined, I’d turn tail and run.

Image via, via, via, and via.

On "The Hill", Satire

I Can’t Believe It’s Prime! 5 Fun Things to Buy with Your Squad 2020 Amazon Gift Card that Will Help You Forget You’re a Snitch

March 9, 2017

Squad 2020 is a survey open to first-year Brown University students with questions about their drug and alcohol use as well as that of their friends.

Despite the repeated assertions in the survey that all answers are completely confidential, there’s nothing particularly confidential-feeling about putting in the first and last names of ten besties and reporting the number of drinks they’ve had in the past thirty days.

Students are awarded a $55 dollar gift card for their completion of the March survey (and tacit endorsement of a police state). Here are some suggestions for what to spend it on.

  1. Zombie Flamingos, Pair in Display

You don’t need a lawn to enjoy some “unique décor for the Halloween Holiday!” These zombie flamingos are a playful subversion of suburban kitsch that will give any home a tough edge and any visitor a good laugh. These surefire conversation starters are guaranteed to keep the party rolling and help you forget that you’ve snitched on everyone you invited.

  1. Weed Man Costume Kit

Looking for a great Halloween costume, gag gift, or something to turn your partner on? Look no further! The Weed Man Costume Kit makes you feel like you’re out there flying high and saving lives, not like the money-loving snitch that you actually are.

  1. David’s Atlantic Giant Pumpkin Seeds

There’s nothing quite like growing something with your own two hands to help you forget that you were a willing participant in what feels a hell of a lot like a campus-wide snitching program. These pumpkin seeds and the big beautiful beauties they will become will help you feel like an old farmer and a bit less like those kids who were rewarded for turning in their own parents at the end of 1984.

  1. Swiss Cheese Door Wedge Set of 2 Door Stoppers

Did you lose track of that worthless little black door stopper the second you moved in? Never fear! This hip Cheese Door Wedge Set will allow you and a buddy to prop your doors open in sweet Swiss style. After all, there’s no point in maintaining the illusion of privacy when you’ve admitted to Squad 2020 that you “sometimes doubt your ability as a lover.”

5. Yodeling Pickle

The Yodeling Pickle belongs in the home of the man who has everything but a set of moral principles. Its salty symphony will drown out the voices that tell you that you’re just not the person you claimed to be during your college interview. The Yodeling Pickle’s melodious mountain cries are so compelling that you’ll be left with little time to reflect on the fact that in the course of a few months you’ve become someone who’s willing to sell out their friends for $55—and who honestly would have done it for less.

Images via, via, via, via, via, and via.

It's a Girl Thing, Listicles

How Likely Are You to Acknowledge the F*cking Lifeguard?

March 2, 2017

They see you, but do you see them?

Turns out the likelihood that you are aware of the lifeguard is in fact a function of age:

Here’s a further breakdown of some key points along the line:

a. Not Yet Alive

  • The only true neutral in this world

b. The Youngins

  • Point at you the second they walk into the room and ask parents what you’re doing there
  • Always kind after being forcibly introduced by an adult figure
  • Remember your name
  • Refer to you with male pronouns if you’re wearing a baseball cap but open to change
  • Swimming is a constant battle between need for life vest and hubris
  • Will get out for snacks
  • Have a deep respect for pool rules
  • Chaotic Good

c. Teens

  • Born to run
  • Look at you multiple times before they do anything stupid/dangerous to see if you’re watching
  • Go into pool with band aids
  • Still get a kick out of boogie boards
  • Tense up when using spray-on sunscreen but try to look cool about it
  • Cheat reliably at Marco Polo
  • Neutral Evil

d. Just Married

  • Say hello and goodbye
  • That’s about it
  • Aren’t sure why their kids can’t go in doing a thunderstorm
  • Read only magazines
  • Are too stubborn to ask for help with the umbrellas
  • Almost forget to take apple watch off before going in
  • Lawful Neutral

e. Mid-Life Crisis

  • Only speak to ask a favor or to ask where you go to college
  • Know there’s no glassware allowed on deck and are pro enough bring box wine
  • That being said will still spill it all over the place
  • That being said will still offer you some
  • That being said you are working and underage
  • Stay until the exact minute the pool closes
  • Chaotic Neutral

f. Gray Panthers

  • The greatest
  • Will feed you
  • Bring books out onto patio but spend more time talking to other people about them than actually reading them
  • Compare you to their grandchildren
  • Ask what the water temperature is at least once a day
  • Probably only live here during the summer
  • Lawful Good

Images via, via, via, via, via, via.

Love & Romance, Satire

We Know What Kind of Rich People Sex You Have Based on Your Canada Goose Jacket

February 17, 2017

Don’t ask how; we just ~know~

PBI Chilliwack Bomber:

Uninspired cowgirl after he’s had a long day out on the yacht.

Chelsea Parka: 

Some spontaneous doggy style while the maid looks after the kids.

Expedition Parka:

Quasi-outdoor sex after a long night in front of your Brookstone electric fire pit.

Heatherton Parka: 

Half-assed spooning after the wine tasting failed to reignite the spark.

Langford Parka:

Shower sex chock-full of cussing when the shampoo bottle falls on your little toe.

Shelburne Parka:

Hot and heavy against the wall where you’re thinking about some exposed brick.

Maitland Parka:

Post-polo anal that will never happen again.

Kensington Parka Fusion Fit:

A joyous romp before the matinee.

Chateau Parka:

Missionary with the lights off to avoid looking at the haunting painting of a pointy-breasted lady you won at an auction.

Rowan Parka: 

Raw doggin it in the back of the Lexus after slapping on the third “My child is an honors student at Sparrow Meadow Academy” bumper sticker.

Banff Parka: 

Giving oral in a lake house with a vast array of wall-mounted animal heads that will look upon this deed with neither approval nor damnation.

Victoria Parka:


In a closet at the country club during your old friend Sylvia’s charity gala.

Burnett Jacket:

Some conciliatory hand stuff when your bonus was only 10% more than last year.

Trillium Parka:

Receiving oral in a lake house while trying not to think about the dead-eyed stares of the wall-mounted animal heads and their collective air of chilling dispassion.

Selkirk Parka:

A quick bonk after you’ve made that reservation for 7:30 pm.

 

Did we get it right? Let us know in the comments!

Image via, via, via, via, via, via, via, via, via, via, via, via, via, via, via, via. 

It's a Girl Thing, Life & Other Drugs

I Hate Kids

February 9, 2017

The thing that freaks me out about kids is that they’re pretty transparent. You can tell if they are lying and you can tell if they just want attention and you can tell if they are going to grow up to be a huge ass.  And then there are some times you think you can tell that maybe they won’t turn out too bad. Key word here is “think.”

There has been exactly one moment in my life that I thought a kid wouldn’t turn out too bad–one moment in my life in which I felt tenderness for a kid.

I was on my way home from work when I passed a couple of young boys playing in the soccer field. Some of them were really going for it, while some others were just sort of sitting around in the grass, while there was one who was standing up, peering through the fence with his head between the metal bars.  What got me about this kid, besides his relatable rejection of physical activity, was that I could see the face of someone else in him. With his curly hair, freckled face, rounded chin and skinny little limbs, he looked just like a younger version of a close friend of mine. Even the way his eyes searched out into the street was familiar. Just as I began to see the potential in every possible human life, we made eye contact. He looked at me and said:

“Can you dab?”

And then it was gone.

Everyone says that I’ll change my mind about the whole kids thing when I’m older. To that I say, wanna bet? If you ask me there are two types of people; people who like kids and people who have been a camp counselor. I’ve seen it all ages 4-13–it’s a whole lot of screaming, it’s a whole lot of trying not to swear in front of the youngins, and it’s not pretty.

I don’t think it would make much of a difference if it was my own child–I feel like the miracle of life is pretty overrated. You want to throw up in the morning? You don’t need to have a bun in the oven to do that. I’ve been looking up articles like “40 great things about being pregnant” to try to understand the appeal, and I feel like there’s an easy alternative to every little thing on those lists. You want to be glowing—buy a highlighter. You want a seat on public transportation—throw some elbows. You want to live longer—shove some kale down your throat. You want to have a secret that only you and your partner share—commit homicide and don’t tell anyone.

And that’s not to mention the disadvantages of pregnancy. It’s scientifically proven that the amount of gray matter—the logical information stuff—in the brain decreases during pregnancy to allow the pregnant person to become more attached to their baby. And I can’t afford to lose any logical thinking. It was only a week ago that I realized it was called “shipping” when you ship a package because goods used to be transported overseas, like, on a ship. On Saturday I got two separate emails about one section and convinced myself I had a time conflict. I practically believe that if I spend money in cash it doesn’t count.

The only thing that appeals to me about having kids is naming them. If I ever have a boat I want to name it “Son of a Fish.” If I ever have a fish I want to get two, a small one and a fat one, and name them “Mistake” and “Big Mistake” respectively. If I ever have a son I want to name him Winslow.

But I’m never going to have a son. There are enough freaks in the world already.

Listicles, On "The Hill", Satire

7 Things at Brown That Are a Better Investment Than You, Apparently

February 7, 2017

Unfortunately, we cannot offer you any additional funds for the 2016-2017 award year. The committee has determined that these seven things are a better investment than you.

1. Untitled (Lamp/Bear)

This sculpture may have all the charm of a Coraline fever dream, the elegance of a carnival funhouse acid trip and the delicacy of a highlighter stabbed through the eye–but it’s still a better investment than you. This donation worth $5-7 million or one hundred full ride scholarships helps to solidify the university’s commitment to the arts and 23-foot tall macabre specters in the night everywhere.

2. The $15,037.14 Vacuum

The “Enduro-Turbo Clean Robotic Vacuum XL 50M Cable with Crane Trolley” is a remote-controlled vacuum that zips along the pool floor like a lonely bumper car or an alarmingly fast sucker fish. It may seem like a bucket of laughs, but it’s the pride and joy of the Katherine Moran Coleman Aquatics Center, it helps cement the Brown pool as one of the greatest aquatics facilities in New England, and it’s a better investment than you.  It also talks, so think twice about making fun of its dorky name to its face.

3. The Ratty Screens

You may not be able to tell what’s actually being served for lunch until you’re balls deep in the herbed turnips, but these tiny-ass screens that only show one food item at a time and read like the last line of a Snellen Chart are a better investment than you. By ditching the readable paper signs, the university has taught students how it feels to make a difference and combat climate change, how it feels to live in an increasingly digital world, and how it feels to suppress the panic that your vision is slowly deteriorating and your body’s just not what it used to be.

4. The Egg Tapestry

If you thought that the Ratty’s hip new screens, a fresh coat of paint and the space-age salad bar were a much needed diversion of this university’s resources, you will surely agree that the magnificent egg tapestry is also a better investment than you. The mighty egg tapestry and its seven radiant stock-portraiture companions reflect the good lord’s light pouring in through the windows as well as the university’s vague commitment to a healthy lifestyle, or whatever.

5. Legacy Students

6. The Mailroom’s Spotify Premium Subscription*

Related image

The mailroom’s surprisingly lit atmosphere of bumping beats and early 2000’s throwbacks comes at a price, and that price is $119.88 a year. The sweet uninterrupted stream of music, unlimited skip capability and the assurance of never being caught slumming it with the ads is simply too important for the University to sacrifice. While the premium subscription may be just a small patch in the grand quilt of fiscal irresponsibility, it’s still a far better investment than you.

7. Those F*cking Busts at the Hay

They may seem like yet another example of something that’s old and white and expensive at Brown University, but those fucking busts at the Hay are still a better investment than you. You may not be able to reach them, but you just know those fucking busts at the Hay are the real deal; none of that Plaster Fun Time shit–we’re talking marble and chisel here. Their granola mom cowl-necks and fine European features serve the vital function of gazing upon the whole rotten lot of humanity. Those fucking busts at the Hay have the power to transform a library into a reading room, an office into a study, boys into men, tadpoles into frogs and back the other way.

 

*Despite repeated outreach attempts, the mailroom has refused to officially confirm or deny its subscription to Spotify Premium or any other paid music streaming service at this time.

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