by Crystal Kim
#mariahwasright
Your professors are amazing, maybe even legendary beyond the small bubble of Brown. They’re the biggest, baddest brains you’ve ever interacted with, and your relationships with them can be some of the most rewarding. They make you feel clever and significant, and when they invite you over to their book barn, you hope you’re really there to fill out adoption papers. But as with any relationship, there can be some mad bumps along the way. Here’s a rundown of five common relationship problems you may be having with your bae professor and some solutions.
Problem #1: Hasn’t emailed you back within six hours
Clearly they will not be responding ever, and therefore you guys are working on an open relationship. Steady eye contact all throughout the first lecture doesn’t mean anything anymore, apparently.
Solution: Don’t be fazed. Hit up those office hours, a lot. And when you’re there, keep chatting even if your classmates are forming a queue outside the door. Act like you don’t see them and your boisterous laughter will drown out all the heavy sighs and foot tapping in the hallway.
Problem #2: Too Casual
You and your professor get along really well, almost too well. You’re a couple of laughs in with your professor, and when she mentions she has a date that evening, you think it is in the appropriate social stratosphere to say, “YAS girl! Get it!!”
Solution: Apologize. And get the fuck out of there. You’re taking five classes, and you can afford to drop this one. In fact, go ahead and drop out of college. Dye your hair. Move to Mozambique.
Problem #3: Hurtful Comments
It’s a hot New England day. The kind of day where you can lie and say, “Don’t hug me, I just went on a run!” even when you have literally done nothing except sit perfectly still in a ventilated room. You speed-walk across campus and finally heave yourself up three flights of stairs in the List Art Center. You enter your Professor’s office with an exuberant “Hi Professor!” and she turns around with a face indicating that she is wondering who you are because you don’t look human with all that sweat. And then, because the side-eye wasn’t enough, she adds, “Are you having a hot flash?” Damn. That hurt.
Solution: Hell no, you will not deal with this verbal abuse. She can never know how much that stung, so don’t let her see you sweat. Figuratively. Quiet seminar? Raise your hand and participate a bunch. Teachers love it if you participate when no one else does. Win back your bae professor’s basic respect.
Problem #4: Your professor is old and slightly racist.
Solution: Love is the answer. And education. Send them to Generations:
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Of0ECLMHgjA]
Problem #5: Fallout from following through with Solution #1: You’ve gone to every single office hour and exhausted all the topics to talk about.
There’s so much excitement and exhilaration from the first couple of talks. The world closes in and it’s just the two of you. You can’t shut up, there is just too much to talk about and you can’t imagine a world where there is nothing to say! But the seasons have changed and office hours aren’t the fun intellectual playground they used to be. And you don’t dare bring up that other interesting class you’re taking as a Plan B topic. NO! You have dignity!
Solution: It might be time to move on. A more advanced Google search of your Professor might yield some new discussion topics, but it will only keep this sinking boat afloat a couple minutes more. Time to jump ship to the next intellectual steamboat that will carry you to a land full of recommendations.
Take my advice. And remember: “Love Takes Time,” y’all.
#mariahwasright