Last week, I attended Heavy Petting for the first time. Those of you who don’t attend Brown University: don’t get too excited. Heavy Petting is an event sponsored by Health Services and BWell Health Promotion intended to relieve stress in Brown students by means of the only universal cure known to man: dogs. This gathering is obviously beloved by students, but how do the dogs feel about it? I took it upon myself to examine both perspectives below.
Dog: The world almost certainly revolves around me. Never have I been more aware of my power. On a scale of Vet to Park, Heavy Petting falls somewhere in the middle, but I think it’s important to be charitable, you know? I believe in karma, and I totally used my owner’s favorite shoes as a chew toy last week, so between you and me, I really need the universe to recognize my generosity in attending this event.
Student: The world almost certainly needs more dogs. Where are the other dogs? Were my expectations too high? All I wanted was to be handed a personal puppy (preferably between the ages of 3 weeks and 1 month old). Was that too much to ask? The dog to human ratio is way off, but I’ll prove myself worthy of their attention. Shit. Why’d I let that German Shepard walk away? I’ve got butterflies. Just be cool.
Dog: Can I be blunt? You can smell the desperation on these kids. All they want to do is impress me and get my attention. They’re competing so aggressively–I feel moments away from initiating an elimination process complete with a rose ceremony or Tyra Banks-inspired speech. Every time I walk by a group of students, they gasp purely due to my proximity. What’s that about? Get a grip, people.
Student: Can I be blunt? This is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I know now that God is real. I have found religion through these dogs, and I am forever changed. Where’s my phone? If I don’t make this my Snapchat story, there is no way anyone will believe that this haven really exists. Where’s the dog emoji?
Dog: I have had more physical contact with humans today than a 1963 dollar bill at a strip club has in its entire lifetime. Some of these kids are so lost. This guy is petting me, but I can tell he’s really a thousand miles away. It’s okay–I know he has another dog at home. He might be using me, but at least he smells like Ratty bacon. Wait a second… Is that my ex on the other side of the Main Green? Classic. Of course Snowball would come here just for the Snapchat coverage. She is such a self-obsessed social climber. You’ll never be as famous as Mishka the Talking Husky, sweetie.
Student: I have been touched by an angel today, and her name is Snowball. Who’s a cute wittle puppy? You’re a wittle adowable nugget, aren’t you, Snowball? My native language is Spanish, I’m fluent in English, and concentrating in French, but right now I am only capable of speaking in baby talk. I do feel a little guilty, though. It’s like I’m cheating on Spot. I’m sorry, Spot, I was just so lonely, and Snowball was there for me when you weren’t.
Dog: I could run away. I could get off this campus, leave my owner, and get pet on my own terms. But this isn’t that bad. It’s honestly pretty – Oh, dear God. Look. Just look at Oreo over there making a damn fool out of himself. He thinks he’s hot shit because everyone wants to pet him. Think again! They’re using you, Oreo. They only want you for your youth. You may be a puppy now, but your cuteness will fade and you’ll be just as average as the rest of us. Does this collar make my fur look grey?
Student: I could run away. I could give up on engineering and become a full time dog walker. Sure, I’ll be poor monetarily, but I’ll be rich in experience! No. No, I can no longer survive on borrowed dogs. I should buy that dog! I don’t have any cash on me… Sir, how much for your dog? Will you take Bear Bucks?
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