Satire

10 Signs You’re the Fred of Your Gang

November 12, 2017

1. You are a teenaged Caucasian male with blond hair, a white sweater, blue pants and a trademark orange ascot.

If you’re a white guy age 16-24 who looks like a cross between a ski instructor and a Banana Republic mannequin, you might be a Fred! You’re a moderate republican who owns exactly one outfit, which includes an orange scarf you tie around your neck to feel like a wealthy race horse owner with timeshares he never visits. But you’re not. You’re just a regular asshole.

2. You’re always telling people to split up.

Sure, you may be a natural born leader, but are you a natural born leader whose sole strategy is “let’s split up gang?” If you like hanging out with the ladies while your stoner friend and his pup run away from Spooky Space Kooks (Scooby-Doo, Where Are You! episode 14), then you might be a Fred, which is to say, an idiot who endangers his pals so he can let two chicks feel his bicep in a creepy ass lighthouse.

3. You’ve got the hots for the redhead…

Yeah, you’re totally DTF the auburn-haired honey in your friend group. You like that she’s always getting kidnapped by ghouls and using bobby pins to unlock oversized birdcages. If you’ve ever wanted to make out with the strawberry blonde girl you’re always hanging around while she’s trying to escape from the Creeper (Scooby-Doo, Where Are You! episode 21), then you’re probably a Fred and you’re probably the worst.

4. …but the one with the sweater could get some, too.

You’re into nerdy girls too—you know, girls who dress smart-casually and babble on about “clues” and “jinkies.” If you’ve ever thought “she’s hot” about your mousy brainiac friend when she drops her glasses in the middle of a chase sequence instead of helping her find them, then you are a Fred: someone who wants to have a threesome instead of solve crimes.

5. You’re subscribed to the National Exaggerator.

You can spot a Fred by his staunch belief in Martians and Bigfoots. If you’ve believed in extraterrestrial life since you were a baby-faced tween, and pay a $24.99 annual subscription fee for a sensational tabloid that contains no accurate information, then you’re a) a dumbass b) someone who probably disseminates fake news on Twitter and c) a Fred.

6. When your friend’s dog’s nephew joined the gang, you inexplicably disappeared.

You know you’re a Fred if in 1979, your weed dealer’s Great Dane’s sociopath of a nephew entered the scene and you hit the road, which was a very smart thing to do, I’ll give you that. This small terrible dog is Satan incarnate, so no wonder you ran for the hills. I don’t know what you did for the decade you spent on your own—got certified as a rock climbing instructor? Faked your death? Founded a social innovation start-up? Whatever you did, I’m sure it was bad like you.

7. You drive a colorful van that you’re in love with.

All Freds try to overcompensate for their dickwadedness by driving a van they painted the one time they took LSD. All Freds claim they know how to drive stick, but don’t actually. All Freds care more about their car than their human relationships, gently kissing its chrome hubcaps and caressing its front bumper every night. You’re a sick freak, Fred.

8. You love constructing elaborate Rube Goldberg traps to catch villains in.

You like to think of yourself as a go-getter, so you are always designing elaborate snares to catch Ghost Clowns (Scooby-Doo, Where Are You! episode 10), and Phantom Shadows (Scooby-Doo, Where Are You! episode 16). If you’re constantly wasting everyone’s time by setting up catapults and pulleys and dominos to prove that you took Physics 101 at Amherst, then you’re for sure a Fred; participating in the investigation only when it’s time to claim credit.

9. You aren’t very good at constructing elaborate Rube Goldberg traps to catch villains in.

Okay, so you flunked out of college. Okay, so every ambush you set up fails dramatically, forcing your medical marijuana hook-up and his canine to do something dangerous, like swing from a vine or ride in the back of a bumper car with a golf club in order to capture a Headless Specter (Scooby-Doo, Where Are You! episode 22). As a Fred, you lie about your qualifications and avoid accountability because you’re just a “meddling kid.” Your entitlement disgusts me.

10. You are voiced by Frank Welker.

If voice acting legend Frank Welker has lent his vocal chords to you in all of your franchise iterations except for A Pup Named Scooby-Doo, you’re a Fred. And you suck.

Images via Sarah Clapp, via, via, via, via, viavia, via, via, via, and via.

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