I, as I imagine many of you were, was devastated to see that the Brown-Harvard game wasn’t anything like the 2023 lesbian fight club film Bottoms. Ayo Edebiri and Rachel Sennott weren’t even there. Why did I go all the way to Boston to see guys play mediocre football and not even get beaten up by awkward gay nerds and hot cheerleaders at the end? I thought Charli XCX would be playing in the background, and it was just marching band music. I had to deal with an overly packed train for nothing!
At least in Bottoms, I didn’t have to watch an actual football game, which always takes so much longer than it needs to. If each quarter is 15 minutes, why do I have to sit on uncomfortable bleachers for multiple hours? I guess they must just be really bad at football if it takes that long to get to one side of the field. I could probably run across in like a minute or something, and I’m not even that athletic.
Here are my recommendations to make next year’s Brown-Harvard game more like Bottoms:
- More kissing
- Cast gay-passing straight actors Rachel Sennott and Nicholas Galitzine to play on the football team
- Increase (the already existing) sexual tensions between the Brown and Harvard teams
- Get a better soundtrack, or at least give the Brown Band the rights to play Charli XCX
- Figure out if any of the players have deathly allergies and exploit their weakness