Power tools are out, empowerment is in. In a shockingly woke attempt to appeal to a wider, more female audience and to strongarm Lowe’s out of the home improvement market, popular hardware store Home Depot has announced the launch of a feminist sister. Say hello to Hoe Depot! Gone are the days of just selling lumber, hardware, and paint to bearded middle-aged men hoping renovating their deck will fix their marriage. Hoe Depot caters to women seeking a sense of community alongside their plywood.
Have you ever lost your husband in a Home Depot and found yourself alone, in a labyrinth of aisles wide enough to fit a semi-truck and lined with two-by-fours that seemingly go on forever? That must have been sooooo scary for you 🙁. But fear not, while your husband shops for his wrench, he can leave his wench somewhere she’ll feel right at home! The aisles of Hoe Depot are just as vast, but filled with floral wallpaper samples, glittery toolkits, and enough nail polish to tackle any home improvement (or pedicure ;0 ) in style!
Even the famous lighting section, in which you once stood flicking switches for hours while your dad argued with a store employee about their limited dishwasher selection, has been reimagined. Now, all bulbs feature a soft pink glow that will bathe you with feminine energy and strength, reminding you that at Hoe Depot, all hoes (women) are welcome.
In the spirit of full-spectrum female empowerment, Hoe Depot isn’t afraid to embrace, or even promote, female sexuality and pleasure. With a purchase of one or more boxes of their EVERBILT screws, a sex worker will screw you.
Checkout lines double as open discussion circles, where hoes– I mean women– can talk about their BIG feelings and issues like tampons and vaginal cupping or something, I guess.
When your husband finishes, our store employees will call you to the front so he doesn’t have to search the aisles for you. We know he already struggles to find something else… I mean, he totally could find you if he really wanted to. In fact, he’ll probably tell his friends that he did!
Ultimately, Hoe Depot is here to hammer home the message that the hoes have a place, and it’s here in these concrete walls, under these big industrial fans, and spending your husband’s money on our products.