I have a bone to pick with you doodle owners. There are a lot of issues in our country right now: the president, rising temperatures and ocean levels, white men ages 20-25. However, I think all of these issues are rooted in one thing—doodles. No, I’m not talking about the innocent childhood pastime or a task to do during lectures with professors who are vehemently against technology for some reason. I am talking about the absolutely evil enigmas that are normal dog breeds mixed with poodles. Also, yes, according to autocorrect, “goldendoodle” is one word. DISGUSTING!
First of all, according to The New York Times, the creator of the goldendoodle said that bringing these cretins into existence was “his life’s regret.” Imagine thinking your disgusting little Daisy or Mochi is God’s gift to this world, and yet the creator of their existence wishes they were never born. His invention has led into a death spiral—there are now Bernedoodles, sheepadoodles, labradoodles, and every other damn dog that can mate with a poodle. What’s next, a hamsterdoodle? Soon, there will be no dogs left without poodle in them! And objectively, they’re just ugly.
Second of all, how dare you? You want a dog…sure. So instead of adopting one of the millions of dogs miserably rotting in animal shelters all over the country, you choose to spend THOUSANDS of dollars on a (and I hate to say it) mutt? Because why? The lifeless eyes are just oh so adorable? The stinky, sweaty stench of human-like hair on a dog seems appealing to you? The behavioral and medical issues of inbred dogs just seem so worth it and totally ethical? But the worst reason I have heard from the hundreds of suburban moms in my hometown is that doodles do not shed. Excuse me? You want a dog…that doesn’t…shed? And I am not talking about allergies or whatever your excuse is; these people simply do not want to deal with dog hair. Imagine if I told my roommates to just shave their heads because I don’t want to deal with their hair clogging the shower—it’s insanity! What’s next, a dog breed that doesn’t constantly go through the cycle of throwing up, eating the throw-up, and throwing it up again? If you can’t deal with normal dog things, DON’T GET A DOG!
Don’t even get me started on that freakish Bunny dog from TikTok—the sheepadoodle that can communicate via pushing buttons with its paws. While that dog might be better at making decisions than CPax, it certainly gives me fascist vibes.
Maybe if the upper class stopped spending money on their doodles and doodle-y health problems, we wouldn’t be headed towards a recession. Perhaps they need to follow the lead of white millennials by adopting pitbulls from the shelters, improperly training them, and naming them Tofu.