Over the summer, Brown announced it had struck a deal with the Trump administration in order to unfreeze federal research funds. Many students were outraged, calling the move “cowardly” and “shameful.”
“I can’t believe they would do this,” said Bru Noh, who attended a 60-minute rally in the spring calling on the administration not to cave. “Was our 60-minute, SAO-approved antifascist action not enough?”
Sharpay Refectory, who left the rally twenty minutes early because she had section, also voiced her shock at the administration’s cowardice. “We didn’t even leave a mess or anything,” she said. “Surely that should count for something.”
Amidst the impassioned outcry, CPax voiced that she takes student dissent seriously. “We would never, ever take action without considering the grave threat of a 12 p.m. Main Green rally,” she said during a university press release last Tuesday. “Also fuck them kids.”
Some students are considering turning to more serious action. “Maybe we could hold, like, a two-hour rally,” said one student, who asked to remain anonymous due to the radical leftist nature of their suggestion and not wanting to lose their BlackRock job offer.
Another student suggested flyering, but only if it worked with everyone’s schedules, and oh, wait, you’re “at capacity”? Guess we just won’t do anything then.
John Lantern, who has played lacrosse at Brown for six years (don’t worry about it), said he’s happy the university is finally starting to say the quiet part out loud. “I think all the recent changes are great,” he said. “Also, if woke is dead at Brown, can I say r******* now?”
CPax’s dog also spoke with us. “The recent political changes have been fantastic for me. I no longer have to eat vegan dog food,” he barked. “Also, Blue Lives Matter.” He then went on a twenty-minute rant about the “plandemic” and shat himself.
Luckily, organizations like No Empty Seat are stepping up and leading the charge during these troubled times. “If you’re worried about the U.S.’s slow descent into authoritarianism, don’t stress, and definitely don’t kill yourself,” he told us. “After all, we’re holding a flash mob tomorrow.”
Well, you heard it here first. In two years, when all of Brown’s departments are under academic receivership and saying the word “protest” gets you expelled, you can sleep soundly knowing that we did everything we could.