I know it was one of you bitches. It’s the only explanation. The only feasible reason for two giant snowstorms in one month is that one of you sold us out to the White Witch in exchange for thirty Turkish delights.
Believe me, I understand why you might be drawn in by Tilda Swinton’s alluring charm and her promises to crown you Prince of Narnia. But you should’ve seen the signs that she was evil. She has white person dreadlocks.
And come on, Turkish delights? They’re not that good. If you want a squishy candy, just get Scandinavian Swimmers from Trader Joe’s or something. Even if you are really committed to the Turkish delights, I’m sure you can buy them yourself without helping the White Witch take over the world with icy fury.
I bet you feel stupid, now. If you love Turkish delights so much, you’ve probably eaten them all already. The snow just keeps on coming, and you’re probably stuck in your dorm in a gluttonous stupor with your mouth covered in powdered sugar while the rest of us have to trudge through the snow to the Ratty. Do you understand the trouble you’ve caused?
The snow is never going to melt. We’re going to be stuck in the White Witch’s winter forever. Spoiler alert: Aslan is already dead. There’s no one else to save us. Even Cpax’s weather machine is no match for the White Witch. Was Punxsutawney Phil in on it too? “6 more weeks of winter,” my ass. Snow is our life now. I hope you’re happy.