I’m sure we’ve all noticed the increasing usage of queer terms amongst straight women. I guess feminism really worked or something, because instead of insulting each other as they used to, women have turned their ire on men. And where gay men used to pass by unharmed, they’re suddenly catching strays. Not only are they being called twinks, but suddenly every straight man in need of an attitude adjustment is an ‘evil twink’.
Is it that big of an issue in the grand scheme of things? Some would argue it’s the natural counterpart to gay man misogyny; this argument is strengthened by the fact that gay man misogynists and straight woman homophobes are often found in pairs, eviscerating their ex-boyfriends and calling women fat. The whole setup sort of puts me in mind of Barbie and Ken from Toy Story. Either way, it seems to be a sinking ship.
In addiction recovery, some people will tell you to replace a harmful addiction (say, black tar heroin) with a positive one (exercise!). Does it make sense to apply that here? Maybe not. It sure is funny though! So here are a couple of other straight woman phobias you can try out, if homophobia is getting kind of old:
1. Fatphobia
This one has actually been cancelled many times, but no one actually seems to give a fuck. You’re in great company if you want to participate in straight woman fatphobia, since everyone else is doing it too (safety in numbers!). In recent years, there have also been exciting opportunities to expand the label to men, so you have the chance to help combat gender inequality by calling out fat men when you see them (have you looked at the football team recently?).
2. Skinnyphobia
If you want to be part of the counter-culture, this is the way to go! With so many people using Ozempic for cosmetic purposes, there are more skinny bitches than ever, just waiting to be humbled. Be careful to limit this to real life, though – if you make the mistake of being skinnyphobic on social media, an army of devout Brandy Melville shoppers will use this as evidence of skinny-shaming, and you’ll probably get doxxed (they’re not used to it the way fat people are).
3. Short-people-phobia
A lot of people already do this to men, but short women seem to be pretty unscathed as of yet. I’m 5’10”, so personally, I feel pretty enthusiastic about this one. For decades, tall women have put up with short women asking us to compare hand sizes with them in front of guys. Well, no more! Do you guys even realise that everyone can see the top of your head when you walk around? The next time your friend complains about the bottoms of her jeans getting soaked in the rain, you can just roll your eyes and go, ‘Ugh, that’s so 5’1” of you. Grow up.’
4. Woman-phobia (aka misogyny)
Whatever happened to good old straight woman misogyny? If we carry on this way, Mean Girls won’t be funny anymore. Within the decade! You’re going to have to explain why the jokes are funny while you’re watching it with your teenage daughter. Whatever happened to slut-shaming and evil three-way phone calls? Feminism is great and all, but I think it’s time we go back to our roots and start spreading rumours about each other’s eating disorders again. At the very least, maybe being accused of having anorexia will become an insult again.
5. Arachnophobia
Fuck you, spiders! Why do they still even exist? Surely modern science can conceive of an artificial way to keep insect populations down without those eight-legged freaks. This one is super applicable, too. Calling your ex-boyfriend a tarantula is probably a lot more accurate than calling him a twink. One is a super ugly, repellent, hairy, disgusting creature that feeds on bugs and has spindly little legs, and the other is a gay man. I know which one I think suits him better.