Valentine’s Day is upon us. There exists the age old question, “Where should I take my weirdly high-maintenance (yet doesn’t know how to fold his laundry) bisexual boyfriend?” Here at The Rib, we are prepared to answer that.
- Build-A-Strap Workshop
After years of discourse and assumptions surrounding male bisexuality, it is time that girlfriends of bisexual men help prove that bisexual men can bottom! You’ll take him to Build-A-Strap Workshop and he will insist to the very masculine employee that this is “really just her idea.” You both know it isn’t. He’ll pick out a hot pink dildo that lies somewhere between “I’m Experimenting,” and “I’ve Been Prepping for This My Entire Life,” while you get fitted for a custom harness. You will leave and he will tell you how happy he is that the most beautiful girl he’s ever met is about to take his gay virginity. I am legally obligated to disclose that this is an ad for Big Pegging.
- The Pearl Necklace Store
You will take him here under the premise that you noticed he hasn’t worn a pearl necklace in a long time, so you assumed it broke. He will roll his eyes and inform you that “pearl necklaces are sooo 2023” and he would have preferred a spree at Aesop (ungrateful!). Once you actually arrive at The Pearl Necklace Store (trademark pending), you will reveal the actual surprise: Harry Styles in the fitting rooms (with very narrow, horizontal mirrors, because you’re only trying on necklaces) preparing to give him a very different type of pearl necklace. He can finally check that culturally queer icon’s name off of his hall pass list!
- AMC Theaters, for a Romantic Screening of Emerald Fennell’s Wuthering Heights
You are going for a casual movie night, but he will spend the better part of the evening oscillating between horniness and proving his Modern Culture and Media degree is useful. The former will ultimately win. This will be reflected in both his 4.5 star Letterboxd review (because My Own Private Idaho is the only movie he will ever give a 5-star rating to) and in the speed he unpacks your Build-A-Strap strap once you get home. You don’t think he actually got the point of the film.
- The Barbershop, to Get Rid of That Pathetic Excuse for a Mustache
You’ll frame this as a self-care date, but it’s really an intervention. The mustache was never in. At least, for him it wasn’t. It does not make him look like Kurtis Connor. It makes him look like he’s about to ask you if you’ve “ever heard of this band called TV Girl.” As the barber shaves that squirrel off his face, he will stare longingly at himself in the mirror, much akin to the way Jacob Elordi stared into the eyes of Margot Robbie during that potentially phenomenal and/or awfully executed film. And you? Well, you will finally remember what it’s like to actually be in love with your boyfriend again.
- Trader Joe’s
His natural habitat. His motherland, if you will. He will guide you through the aisles and identify which products are severely overhyped and which ones he’s “actually been really into lately.” Most of these items are dips. He will tentatively place a container of chili mango hummus into the cart and begin to pout when you tell him that sounds vile, as if to say, “Fine, we don’t have to get it.” You will end up buying it anyway. He will become weirdly possessive when the cashier begins their work-sanctioned flirting duties. He kisses you as you load groceries into your Prius. Romance is alive and well.
- A Protest, to Petition for New Music From Frank Ocean
The two of you will stand in a park both holding signs that read “FRANK PLEASE!!!” while he explains for the twelfth time how Blonde altered his brain chemistry. Three other people will be in attendance. One of them is Frank Ocean, because that man is out there doing anything except releasing new music. Your boyfriend will cry and, for some reason, that turns you on. Frank Ocean will continue with his decade-long endeavor of not releasing new music.
- His Parents’ House, so He Can Come Out
Some may say this is a bold choice for Valentine’s day, but hey, you’re in it for the long haul. You’ll sit together on his scratchy, floral couch, hand in hand, while he comes out as bisexual to his parents, grandparents, and much cooler, hotter, and also possibly bisexual older sister, Bethany (wait, why are you with him again?).
“Yes, grandma, I’m sure. No, dad, it’s not because of college. Yes, grandpa, I’m still going to law school. No, mom, it’s not because you let me listen to Ricky Martin as a kid. Yes, Bethany, I lied about that account catfishing as me when you asked why your gay best friend saw me on Grindr three years ago.”
He suggests that next Valentine’s Day should be less about him. He says that he’s already brainstorming all the amazing places you could go. Maybe you guys could go to Bushwick!