My name is Morgan, and I am writing on behalf of my friend, Linus, as we continue our search for two more suitemates. We are two tragically desperate juniors seeking two other tragically desperate juniors to form a housing group for next year. Despite this being published on a forum dedicated to satire writing, this post is not at all satirical.
We’re aiming for a mid to high-tier dorm — at least mid to high-tier for senior year housing: Young Orchard or one of the four (4!!!) all-single Barbour suites. We are open to other options, but I’m off meal plan and clinging to the dream of a private kitchen. So long as we are in a suite, though, we will be happy campers.
You might be wondering why you (yes, you!) should room with us. Here is our reasoning:
- I (Morgan) cook and bake a lot, so you will receive free food whether you want it or not. If you like banana bread, perfect. If you don’t, you will learn to like it.
- I have a TV and PS5, and we host Gilmore Girls and The Good Place watch parties. You can join. Or not.
- We keep common spaces clean but aren’t obsessive neat freaks
- Smoke-friendly, vape-friendly, and both non-asthmatic and allergy-free
- We are the perfect balance between extrovert and introvert. We can throw parties or we can be little Victorian ghosts. Your preference.
- Between the two of us, we already have a vacuum, a mop, and a mysterious third cleaning implement that neither of us bought
- We’re both super chill
Important identity disclosures for your comfort:
- I am a lesbian
- Linus is straight (and annoyingly Italian)
Ergo: neither of us will try to steal your boyfriend. Additionally, we are both notoriously bitchless, so we also will not steal your girlfriend. We couldn’t if we tried.
If you are a current junior who desires a peaceful, kitchen-having existence and two suitemates who will never compete with you romantically because we literally cannot, hit us up on Instagram @morgandrsn and @linus.castagna or by email morgan_anderson@brown.edu and linus_pritchard@brown.edu.
We are excellent people to live with. Just ask my roommate from freshman year (shoutout Ema).