The evolution of humankind has many hallmarks, from our humble beginnings as monkeys to our scientific discoveries as rational thinkers. Yet we must not overlook the invention of tools, a little discussed milestone in history.
In ~46 BCE, a caveman entered a cave party on Rock Street, intending to drink unpurified water full of ancient parasites and enjoy the psychedelic effects of pre-Jurassic weed. Instead, he was enthusiastically greeted by a co-worker whose name he unfortunately could never recall.
“Me thinks that is Fred Flintstone?? Fred! It me!,” exclaimed the coworker. Fred chuckled nervously.
“Yes!! It you… haha. How you… man?,” he grunted back.
The coworker raised his bushy eyebrows, which covered most of his eyes. “It me, Fred. We hunt t-rex every weekday. I no man. I your best friend man!”
Fred nodded vigorously. “Yes, yes. We blood brothers are… pal.”
“Pal?? Fred… you know name me, yes?”
Fred wavered, looked up at the cave ceiling full of stalactites, down at the cave floor full of stalagmites, then finally, performatively, at the rock strapped to his wrist in the shape of a watch.
“Oh no pal, I sorry. I have to run!! Have good night pal!!!” Fred then scrammed.
Shortly thereafter, history remembers Fred miraculously constructing an AK-47 with 7.62×39mm cartridges entirely out of sticks. A replica now sits on display at the Smithsonian in Washington, D.C., alongside a description of Fred’s rampage against the local dinosaur population, which led to the first major extinction.