Mostly your boyfriend, but perhaps you too, based on the following criteria:
- What kind of picture did you post?
Was it of just him? If so, it’s up to my discretion whether I really believe you two know each other or if you’re actually just a creepy fangirl for this random man. If it’s of the both of you, how close are you to one another? C’mon guys, don’t be shy! Snuggle up! If you don’t, it kinda looks like you guys just met and then that’s just awkward for everyone…
- Wait, was it just a story or did you actually make a whole ass post for National Boyfriend Day?
I don’t want to give away what the correct answer is, but one is completely normal and lasts the duration of the holiday, while the other ruins the aesthetic of your super alt Insta page AND makes it seem like you’re obsessed with him. Not trying to sway you either way, just mentioning.
- Is his Instagram public?
If yes, he better have reposted your post and have you featured somewhere on his feed. If no, ughhhhh he’s making stalking so much harder for me!!!
- Is your boyfriend ugly? You can be honest.
No judgment here; really, I promise! Personally, I like to think that even ugly people deserve love. I must say though, if he’s punching up by more than a factor of 5% (which, let’s face it, he probably is), it starts to become charity work. And although I just said you were doing a good deed, for every percent over the guideline you guys go over, an angel loses its wings and a College Hill turkey gets run over and violently eviscerated. So, make sure to really evaluate his looks in comparison to yours and be thorough. If not for your sake, for the turkey’s.
- Finally, does he have a mustache?
Who am I kidding? His indie ass—of course he does. Just for that, you lose 47.384938676767% off your current score. I do hope you’ve been keeping track of your score… The importance of constantly psychoanalyzing yourself and all your relationships until you drive yourself into a frenzy trying to change yourself for others’ pleasure is starting to become criminally underrated in our current zeitgeist. I mean, you do want me to be happy, right? Then stop reading, and go shave that shit off his face for me. Right now. Do it.
I hope this list gives you a better idea of how I, your high school classmate or current classmate or mutual friend or complete stranger, am using a single picture on a fake holiday to make broad assumptions about your character, your boyfriend’s character, your relationship, your life as a whole, and your relationship to your father. Enjoy the day!