In an effort to provide a more “authentic glimpse into the Brown undergraduate experience,” the Office of Admissions has announced that all self-guided tours will now include a Walk-of-Shame Simulation™, complete with discarded Solo cups, Faunce Arch Jesus Freaks, and the faint echo of someone throwing up outside of Jo’s.
“Prospective students told us they wanted more realism,” said Admissions Innovation Coordinator Al K. Hall. “So we thought, what better way to connect high school seniors with Brown’s culture of self-discovery and dehydrated introspection? Plus, visitors commonly criticize not being able to see the inside of a freshman dorm.”
The simulation begins promptly at 9:43 a.m., when a campus tour guide—who only owns two shirts and is “between sleep schedules”—leads participants out of a deliberately confusing off-campus apartment and into a 25-minute walk back to Metcalf Hall. Along the way, tour-goers will pass various key landmarks, such as:
An Awkward Eye Contact Encounter with Your MATH 0090 TA
Disrespectfully Walking Through An A Cappella Arch Sings
Forgetting Blue Room is Closed on Weekends, and more!
For added realism, each participant will be issued a loaner outfit from the official Morning After Closet, a curated collection of mismatched shoes, various consulting club sweatshirts, and a purse containing a phone with 7% battery and three loose dollar bills. Prospective Early Decision Applicants may opt into the additional Text Regret Package, which sends a simulated “u up?” text to an ex at 2 a.m. the night before.
“Our goal is for students to ask themselves, ‘Do I see myself here?’” said Hall. “Specifically: do I see myself walking barefoot across Wriston Quad in a bodycon dress, crying because I lost my keys again and have to pay $200 for another replacement?”
Prospective students and their families have had mixed reactions to the rollout. One mother was reportedly horrified after her son emerged from the simulation asking if being bisexual and polyamorous was a prerequisite for a Brown degree. Another parent simply muttered, “At least it’s not Tufts.”
Current students have embraced the initiative. “It’s about time,” said Anita Blunt, ‘26. “If they really want to prepare kids for life at Brown, they need to include the social aspects, even the awful ones. Like dating a comp lit concentrator.”
Future expansions to the self-guided tour include:
An Immersive Housing Lottery VR Simulator
The Missing the Last Train Back to Providence After a TD Garden Concert Experience
and a State-of-the-Art Sci Li Escape Room!
“This is what a liberal arts education looks like,” said Hall. “Poor infrastructure, confusion, and cycling through the same three men on Hinge. Welcome to Brown.”
Brown Admissions Self-Guided Tours to Now Include Walk-Of-Shame Simulation
