What is “queer,” exactly? An identity? A word that makes your Gen X parents wince? An adjective you might use for the homeschooled little boy down the road? What does it mean to be queer?
A better question: what the fuck makes you think I know???? I’m not gay!
We can all yap about oppression until the cows come home, but homophobia gets all the press coverage these days, and frankly, I’m sick of it!! In an era where DEI is being threatened, it has never been more important to uphold diversity of perspective. This is why I, a heterosexual woman, feel it is important to bring my perspective to the Rib of Brown (which consists of like, 20 gay people, plus me) and give voice to an issue close to my man-loving heart: queerbaiting.
“What is queerbaiting?” I hear you ask. You’re probably a queerbaiter if a guy has ever asked you if you’re gay. Or if your dad has ever sent you a picture of his office decked out for pride month. Or if you’ve ever been like, “let’s have sex,” to your friends and been taken seriously. Luckily for you, after 6 years of struggle and experimentation—NO, not that kind of experimentation—I’ve come up with a set of DOs and DON’Ts for people like me who just want everyone to know they’re heterosexual.
DO: consider going blonde.
People seem to just assume blonde women are straight, for some reason. However, you should only go blonde if you’re white. Otherwise, bleached hair will backfire on you and you will look more gay.
DON’T: make out with your friends.
Unless you’re blonde! When two blondes make out, no one cares, because straight men think it’s hot.
DO: lay off the eyeliner.
Some people will show up 30 minutes late to their two-and-a-half-hour seminar on Marxist literature in their Doc Marten platform Mary Janes with a 2-inch wing on each eye, and then have the nerve to be surprised when everyone assumes they’re bisexual. I’m never more than 20 minutes late to my afternoon seminar on Marxist literary theory, and I wear my platform Mary Janes a maximum of 2 times a week—if I can do it, so can you.
DON’T: get a bob.
This will NOT help your image, heterosexually speaking. This applies to both men and women! It takes courage to get a bob, but maturity to grow it out—take it from me. Also, can I be honest? Not all of you have the face for it. It’s not French, Claire. You look like a pencil.
DO: acquaint yourself with the discography of Gracie Abrams.
For people who don’t know, Gracie Abrams is like the straight, brunette version of Taylor Swift. This is another tip that works for any gender! If you’re a girl with Gracie Abrams in her Spotify Wrapped Top 5 artists, most people will probably assume you’re straight. And if you’re a guy who likes her music, most people will probably assume the only reason you listen to it is to get women to sleep with you.
DON’T: talk about how much you looooooove Drag Race.
This is actually a pretty straight thing to do, but it’s also annoying, so you should stop. Pick another show straight people like to talk about, like Bridgerton or Breaking Bad.
DO: dress more basic.
Say it with me: CROCHET is GAY! It rhymes because it’s true! Instead, think about getting a pair of flare leggings or some black sambas. If you’re a guy, don’t worry: it’s less about what you wear and more about wearing basically the same thing every day.
DON’T: wear a shirt that says ‘100% HET’
It might as well say ‘100% KET’, because anyone who sees this will immediately assume you’re extremely gay. Additionally, HET also stands for ‘Heavy Equipment Transport’, so in the event that no one gets the abbreviation, you’re either in for a long, awkward conversation with a bunch of truckers, or you’ve just told a room of strangers that you have a huge dick. And nothing screams ‘no homo’ like a bunch of rugged old men in flannels talking about dicks.
I hope that clears some stuff up for you guys. And if you ever feel alone in your queerbaiting tendencies, don’t worry: Brown University has what is probably the world’s highest concentration of queerbaiters per capita outside of Bushwick and East London. Chances are you’re sitting next to one right now!
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