One of the most frequent compliments I receive is not actually a compliment at all. I get it in floods during my first few weeks in a new environment (middle school, high school, college, study abroad, etc.) and in a trickle at other times, but it never fully dies out: “You have really long hair!”
How to respond? Although it’s usually delivered in an almost congratulatory tone, it is not a compliment. It is an indisputable statement of fact. My hair is definitely long: long enough that it usually looks bad in a ponytail, not long enough that I can sit on it. Still, the only truly appropriate response to “Your hair is so long!” is “I know!”
The hair remark is a relatively benign non-compliment. Others carry less friendly subtexts. I’ve unpacked some common non-compliments below:
“Your hair is so straight!” (Yup)
“Your hair is so curly!” (Nothing gets by you!)
“I always prefer natural hair colors” (Do you think mine is natural or not?)
“You look really good today!” (As opposed to every other day?)
“You look ready to party” (Either I look like I’m trying too hard or I look like I really need a drink)
In heels: “Wow, you look really tall!” (But do my legs look longer and my ass more toned??? Because THAT’S what I was going for)
Also for a dress up occasion: “That looks… nice” (It definitely doesn’t)
“Your make up looks good!” (My face, on the other hand…)
And the ultimate passive aggressive non-compliment: “I’m glad you’re doing well.” (…But only because I’m doing better!)
These are all non-compliments we’ve all either received or delivered. There are, however, truly bizarre ones that pop out. Here’s a sampling of the best (worst?) non-compliments I’ve personally received:
My dad, when I got my driver’s license on the first try: “Wow, congratulations! I estimated you had a 30% chance of passing!”
More than one person has said this to me: “You actually always smell really good.” (“Actually” is the key word here… apparently I have the personality of someone who smells bad.)
And the winner for most perplexing non-compliment: “Your hair looks like a polished wood floor.” What is it about my hair??
I don’t like to receive non-compliments. I don’t think anyone does; they’re either a total waste of words or extremely backhanded. Everyone should just stop giving them! Still, I can’t claim to be completely above the non-compliment. I’ll leave you with the least subtle one I’ve ever dished out (to my 6th grade math teacher): “You have the personality of a diseased lung.”