I am a serial dater. I wish I could say with men…okay more with boys, but unfortunately that is not the case. I date diets. I am saying that loud and proud.
It all started back in the 7th grade. I could afford to lose some weight (this is highly confidential information that will not be disclosed…ever). I was self-conscious, prepubescent, and still didn’t know how to properly function around other prepubescent 12 year old boys. But like any good Jewish mother, she set me up on my first date. I was so nervous. She told me not to worry and that it was only going to get better. We had arrived. I was so embarrassed. I didn’t want to show my face, but I got the courage and stepped inside.
“Welcome to Weight Watchers!” Of course they immediately gave me a once-over. “Are you starting your journey with us?”
And it worked. It was a completely healthy relationship. I lost the (put in amount of weight here) that I needed, and it did boost my 7th grade confidence. Who cared if I decided to choose bright orange rubber bands for my braces, I was thinner!
The curse of sleep away camp. No diet to hold me down. I was an independent woman! An independent woman who couldn’t control her love for grilled cheese; who proceeded to eat 8 sandwiches at every meal (sorry Mom).
What diet will love me now? If I showed my face to Weight Watchers, would they take me back? Would they hold my hand and walk me through the steps again? When would this agony end?
But with the start of 8th grade, Weight Watchers and I were steady again. However, the love wasn’t reciprocated as well as it was the first time. Each week I would show up and only lose a pound or remain at the same (undisclosed) weight. But I wasn’t being faithful. I knew it. Weight Watchers knew it. My mother knew it. I got sloppy. I would have secret rendezvous’ with cupcakes, ice cream, and – I know, I can’t believe we dated, too – Nutella. So we broke up. I wasn’t in the right place to give all my attention to Weight Watchers. To track all the unbearable items of food that I had eaten.
But Weight Watchers just let me go. Didn’t even make a fuss when I walked away. It felt so… what’s that word? Commercialized. Jennifer Hudson even tried to intervene. She would show up on my TV belting “Feeling Good,” telling me she can eat that pasta and still lose weight. Sorry Jennifer. I can’t. I just can’t.
But as I entered high school, there were more diets. And even more breakups. Here are the other men diets and my views on them:
1. Jenny Craig – their food tastes like shit. Sorry I couldn’t think of another word. Shit seems to describe it so well.
2. Ideal Protein – No carbs. No alcohol. No fruit. No Allie.
3. Apple Cider Cleanse – Not the juice, but the vinegar. I was drinking salad dressing. Can I get a cup of Ranch instead?
The list goes on. I’m now in college and not at the weight I hoped I would be at. I’m still self-conscious, but I love to eat, and that’s why I started a new, healthy relationship. I think it’s going really well. Only time will tell. At 5:00pm today, I have a date with the Elliptical!
lol preach it girl