The other night, a guy approached me to do the things guys do to girls at bars. You know what the second line out of his mouth was?
“Are you Jewish?”
I guess I gave it away somewhere between my audible “oy” when a random person pushed me, and my overly ironic, yet unintentional, use of “Jesus Christ!!!!” immediately following.
My mom always taught me to make men work for it. So if I’m going to give away my Jewishness so easily, you’re on your own when it comes to understanding WTF I’m trying to say. To get you started, here’s a cheat sheet for all the Yiddish words you’ll need to know to have a coherent conversation with a 20-something Jewish girl*:
Bubbe [buh-bee] –noun A cute little grandma who might have an accent but definitely is a good cook.
I can’t go to Coachella this year because my mom is making me go down to Boca to visit Bubbe.
Chutzpah [chuh (that sound you make in the back of your throat)- tspah] –noun To have a lot of balls.
It must have taken a lot of chutzpah for you to wear a white dress while you had your period.
Klutz [cluhts] –noun Someone who is a wreck and doesn’t have a lot of coordination.
My mom used to always call Lizzie McGuire a klutz.
Kvetch [cuh-vech] –verb To complain and whine.
I’m so sorry for kvetching, but I just actually don’t know what to do now that my parents have completely cut me off.
Schvitz [sh-vits] –verb To sweat profusely.
Am I supposed to schvitz this much during Bikram yoga?
Oy vey [oy-vay] –just one of those Jewish expressions Ugh, shit.
Oy vey! I need a drink.
Mensch [mehnsh] –noun A really effing naturally good and kindhearted person.
You are only allowed to marry him if he’s a true mensch. If he’s just “nice,” forget about it.
Schlep [shlehp] –verb To go somewhere/carry something you really don’t want to, and it’s just a pain in the ass.
Netflix is much less of a schlep than hitting up this pregame right now.
Schmuck [shmuhck] –noun An asshole.
Jason asked Cady if she wanted someone to butter her muffin. He is a schmuck.
Schmutz [shmuhts] –noun Something you have on your face that isn’t supposed to be there.
I just drunk ate and now I have pizza schmutz all over my face.
Yenta [yen-tah] –noun A lady who talks a lot.
You have to assume lunch with Nancy will take at least two hours out of your day. She’s such a yenta.
Tuchas [tuh-chas] –noun Ass.
Kim Kardashian manages to balance her tuchas on relatively skinny legs.
Keppe [kehp-ee] –noun Forehead.
You know he loves you if he kisses your keppe.
Lox [locks] –noun Smoked salmon, usually put on a bagel.
If you don’t put lox, tomato, and onion on your whole wheat everything bagel, are you really Jewish?
Punim, sheyna punim [puh-nim, shay-nah puh-nim] –noun, -adjective Face, pretty face.
My ex-boyfriend used to text me “sheyna punim” and it was so cute!
Schlong [shlong] –noun Penis.
Did you get to see the schlong?
Shpiel [shpeel] –noun A long story/pitch that someone always tells and everyone’s heard it a million times.
I’m so sick of hearing her shpiel. She needs to stop making up excuses for constantly ditching us for those fake bitches.
*Please note that I could be spelling all of these wrong. It’s very hard to discern when to use an “sh” and when to use an “sch,” so take it all with a grain of salt. Or, if you’re really Jewish, ¾ cup of salt. You can never really have too much salt.
Image via.
Really great Hannah!!!