Shouldn’t Have Tabbed That

As a twenty-year-old in America, I fully appreciate the figure of speech: “so close you can taste it”. Three months from my 21st birthday, I can taste alcohol — just not when any legal authorities are looking, or when I’m in a respected establishment. It doesn’t help that instead of looking older, or even my age, I resemble a fifteen year old with breast implants. Combining these two factors, imagine my surprise when I visited a popular bar earlier this week, and I did not get carded!

To provide an essential piece of information, a waitress offered to set up a tab for me. I was so flattered that she thought I was of legal drinking age, I didn’t think twice. More importantly, I didn’t think to ask what a tab actually means. Basically, in exchange for holding your credit card hostage, you don’t have to hassle over paying for individual drinks when you order. This phenomenon can lend itself to the feeling that you are at an open bar. You are NOT at an open bar. They will make you pay for those drinks, trust me. Plus tip.

I was so flustered at my first drink, I asked my waitress to surprise me. Another mistake. It tasted like a combination of bubblegum and vodka. I don’t want to talk about it. After that I stuck to gin and tonic, but no matter what poison you choose, it’s going to poison you, and I woke up the next morning on the verge of vomiting. Due to extenuating circumstances, I was also live tweeting my experience at this bar. I tweeted at 10pm,”Opening a tab at [insert bar name], pray for me.” I can only assume that all of my Twitter followers sent me their prayers, and that’s why I didn’t actually puke.

At one in the morning I had racked up a $25 bill, and after generously tipping my server, I made my escape. In retrospect, I learned three things:

1) That waitress wasn’t bad at eyeballing age. She knew exactly what she was doing, and bamboozled the heck out of me. Props to thee, temptress, who shall remain anonymous.

2) If you’re sitting next to someone who also has a tab open, it can become confusing as to who is being charged for what drinks. I was sitting next to a male friend who was really concerned that I had accidentally put my drink on his tab, so I approached my server to clarify. I told her, “Put that on my tab”, to which she responded “Oh, you want his drink on your tab?” You know why, readers? Because it’s the goddamn 21st century.

3) You should not open a tab unless you are going to a drink like a fish. A fish whose gills process alcohol. Also, a fish who never gets hungover.

In conclusion, I definitely should not have tabbed that.

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