Your Thanksgiving Horoscope

Aquarius: There are going to be an unprecedented number of obscure relatives at dinner this year, and they’re all going to ask “how you are” and “what you’re studying” and other questions that you have no interest in answering. If you just keep replying with “please pass the squash,” they’ll eventually take the hint.

Pisces: The stars have not aligned in your favor–you’re going to be seated at the Kid’s Table again. Despite all your reminders that you are a tax paying quasi-adult, Grandma will still be surprised at how tall you’ve gotten and give you crayons to draw with at dinner. You’ll get caught in the crossfires as your younger cousins throw peas at each other, but at least Grandma will hang your drawing on the fridge.

Aries: Since you handle adversity and large crowds of rapid homemakers extremely well, you will be sent on a last minute run to the grocery store because of a “gravy crisis.” Getting the last available parking spot will make you feel in control, but don’t get too cocky. On Aisle 4 you will see everybody from your hometown that you never wanted to see again. Your psychotic JV soccer coach! The kid who used to fling rubber bands at you on the bus! Your ex’s overprotective mother! Your ex! You will engage them politely before swiftly picking up the gravy and buying a pecan pie to eat by yourself after dinner.

Taurus: Your mom is going to have a breakdown because somebody (her husband) bought cranberry jelly instead of cranberry sauce. What a monster! Be sure to console her as she rethinks her 27 years of marriage.

Gemini: You’re going to fall asleep at 5 P.M. like you do every year. You’re going to have a nightmare where you’re being chased by Pilgrims like you do every year. You’re going to wake up the next morning covered in crumbs and sweat. Like you do every year.

Cancer: Uncle Tony is going to try to deep fry the turkey this year. He’s finally convinced the family that this isn’t going to be a complete disaster–which was hard, considering he had to go to the emergency room after trying to cut down his own Christmas tree. Uncle Tony is going to recruit you to help out. Be open to this opportunity because Tony is full of the kind of wisdom that can only come from so many near death experiences. He’ll save you a drumstick, too.

Leo: Aunt Linda says she’s got dessert covered, but Aunt Linda thinks your birthday is in April and always leaves her purse behind at your house. She’s going to forget. Pick up a pumpkin pie at the store and since the holiday spirit/the placement of Venus in this astrological cycle will have you feeling extra generous, let her pass it off as her own.

Virgo: A big family secret will be revealed that will explain everything. Maybe your twin uncles both dated your Aunt Martha, and that’s why they always seemed so competitive. Maybe your cousin Al is a drug dealer, and that’s why his car always smelled kind of funny. Maybe you were switched at birth, and that’s why you look nothing like any of your relatives. Regardless, you should prepare for the inevitable fallout by drinking a lot of wine.

Libra: Your team will lose the big Thanksgiving football game. The bad news: a lot of tears, remorse and sports talk. The good news: everyone will lose their appetite and there will be more mashed potatoes for you.

Scorpio: Your cousin will bring his hot, single friend to Thanksgiving this year. Finally, something to be grateful for! You will fantasize about continuing your favorite holiday traditions with them and your future children until they open their mouth and reveal that they have a lot of very problematic ideas. Yikes! You will spend the rest of the evening educating them about the systems of oppression in our country while they nurse a Bud Light.

Sagittarius: As the Archer sign, you are naturally eager to start decking the halls–but don’t talk about Christmas just yet. Remember that time your Dad heard “Jingle Bell Rock” on the radio two weeks before Thanksgiving and nearly drove off the road? For everyone’s sake, keep your holiday cheer bottled up until Black Friday.

Capricorn: Don’t eat the stuffing.

Image via Sarah Clapp.

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