February 7, 2018

Hey guys, it’s Patti (@theparanoidbitch on Twitter) back with another #TheoryThursday. I just gotta start off by saying that we here at have not received a single request for this one but we’re gonna go for it anyway. Just get ready for me to permanently alter your sense of reality. You will feel physically sober but emotionally intoxicated.

I never watch the Super Bowl. If I wanted to see an ass that tight in some spandex I could just turn around. I am, however, a dedicated viewer of Animal Planet’s yearly broadcast of the Puppy Bowl, which offers canine-centric football-fun without the threat of severe concussion-based brain damage. It was whilst a pup made a leap for the 40-yard line that I saw a tweet featuring Tom Brady’s pre-game costume (pictured above). It was then that I saw the modern age flash before my very eyes as I realized an undeniable truth: Tom Brady is Kris Jenner.

Since Kris is older than Tom by 22 years, I am confident that she created Tom Brady in the late-1970s in order to take over the world. After all, Brady is not a New England boy at heart. He was in fact born in San Mateo, California, which is only 6-hours from Los Angeles (the perfect distance from her home to create a cyborg-athlete based on her own DNA). Kris, at the prime age of 25, knew that she would later need to place a surrogate of herself on the east coast in a body of another gender in order to capitalize on a market she never believed she could infiltrate herself: the world of sports.

The cyborg child was raised in a lab for a year and then adopted by Galynn and Tom Brady (pictured below) in 1978. Galynn and Tom Sr. were paid off by the Kardashian family and signed a confidentiality agreement that they would never admit to having participated in a cyborg case study in order to protect Tom Brady Jr. from future exposure and emotional humiliation but mostly to avoid being fined by the state of California for illegal activity.  

Tom Sr., Tom Jr., and Galynn

Young Tom Brady was able to lead a fairly normal childhood and had no direct interaction with his cyborg mother, Kris. After graduating from the University of Michigan in 1999, he was soon picked up by the New England Patriots and began his illustrious career. Kris, needless to say, was thrilled. During Tom’s adolescent years, Kris was busy building a family of her own that she would soon use to capitalize on America’s celebrity-obsessed culture. She rarely checked on Tom, but requested monthly stats on his physical condition and the quality of his good looks, which she believed to be extremely vital to his future career in the NFL.

Tom’s three sisters never suspected a thing.

Phase two of Kris’ dream for Tom was completed upon the Patriot’s Super Bowl win in 2002. The following four wins in the coming years proved even more vital, as they enabled her to commence phase three of her plan for world domination. Having completed the Harry Potter series in the mid-2000s, Kris believed herself to be adequately trained in the art of making “horcruxes.” This dark magic was the missing key. In February of 2017, Kris disappeared from the public eye for an entire week. While a publicist made a statement claiming she was at a private villa in Cabo, it seems much more plausible that Kris was becoming a Master of the Dark Arts and converting each of Tom’s Super Bowl rings into horcruxes.

After splitting her soul five times, Kris paid her assistant to scatter the rings in Denny’s establishments across the US.

She then underwent extensive plastic surgery.

With the horcruxes finally safe and sound, and with millions of dollars in the bag, Kris no longer needed Tom Brady like she once did. Until she developed a new plan, she decided to downgrade Brady’s football skills in order to preserve his energy for a future mission. She had her long-time employee Gisele Bündchen reprogram him in the night. These adjustments led to a compromised Tom Brady in the eyes of dedicated Patriots fans at this past Sunday’s Super Bowl. As Kris instructed, Tom’s hand-eye coordination and decision-making skills were both lowered by 38.9%. This is why the Eagles won the Super Bowl.

So what’s next for Tom Brady? Obviously no more Super Bowls rings. Our team of investigators here at predict that Kris Jenner will ultimately use him to infiltrate the growing empire of Amazon Inc. Rumor has it that Kris had Gisele install the latest software update of Amazon’s patented Alexa technology in Brady’s brain, giving him a competitive edge when facing off with other techy job candidates. From there, Kris Jenner will become Jeff Bezos.

Images via, and via,and art via Caroline Zerilli.

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