Facebook comments are an art – an eclectic form of expression. They range from the sentimental to sarcastic, the articulate to the atypical, and the informed and “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOU IGNORANT LIMA BEAN?!” They have the power to make someone smile, laugh, cry, and/or procrastinate.
However, the power and depth of Facebook comments had not yet occurred to me until my second day of spring break, the day in which I posted a photo of my friends and I meeting a major celebrity (re: Meryl Streep) on my Timeline. As I spent the day consistently getting notifications and monitoring my comment feed, I realized that the best thing about this whole experience had not been unexpectedly running into a living legend. No, the best part of this experience were the reactions from my friends upon posting the photo of me and her on Facebook.
Before going any further, I feel I should preface the following comments with a bit of an anecdote: I have a weird tendency of running into celebrities. In the same week I crossed paths with Ms. Streep, I had FaceTimed with Lin-Manuel Miranda. In the same month, I had received a personal video message from Kelli O’Hara. And that’s not even mentioning all the additional photos I’ve acquired posing next to George Takei, Emma Stone, Bobby Moynihan, and Darren Criss, to name just a few.
Needless to say, when the photo of me and Meryl surfaced, people reacted quite extremely.
After studying the eclectic myriad of comments amassed on just this one photo, I’ve analyzed what comments can reveal about a Facebook friend’s inherent qualities and special interests:
This friend doesn’t really hate you. I mean, she’s not, like, gonna enjoy it when you bring this story up at brunch on Sunday, but she’ll politely nod and ask questions in a disinterested fashion as she sips mocktails and nibbles on cheese and crackers. Your mutual friend (the one who liked her comment) will follow suit.
This is the friend who probably believes in the apocalypse, has an extravagantly long bucket list of things they want to complete before the time they turn thirty, and is currently stressing out because they’re not where they expected to be by 2016. Send them a coupon to get a massage to help ease the blow.
This friend is an old soul, someone who respects the traditional, epistolary style of writing. They are always polite and respectable, even when something pisses them off. If they challenged you to a duel, they’d probably send you a bouquet of flowers with a handwritten note that says, “Good morning. I’d like to potentially kill you. Please RSVP. Have a lovely day.”
This friend is obviously a farmer (re: “straw”) like Old McDonald or a guy in FarmVille . They’ve grown up surrounded by this agricultural by-product, and thus have made it a recurring theme of all of their daily musings. Including expressing their anger to you.
This friend doesn’t mess around. They realize that the most important statements can be said in very few words. They are blunt and honest, and people respect them for that. (re: the two likes on their comment).
This friend is a negotiator. Pragmatic and prudent, they are a bit old fashioned in their conversational ways. Though, of course, they are aware of social norms and millennial cues (see the lack of punctuation and all lowercase letters).
This friend is a combination of an aspiring socialite who tries to sound posh and only says the word “ridiculous” in a melodramatic manner, Augustus Gloop from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and my grandma, who always manages to hit the caps lock key whenever she comments on my Facebook photos. Comparative to your other friends, this human being appears to be the most multi-faceted and interesting person monitoring your social media activity, and therefore I’d advise maintaining their friendship over the rest. Not because you can be sure they like you or would be your friend in real life, but because…you know…because they provide entertaining Facebook comments.
Images via Abby Espiritu.