What CareerLAB Won’t Tell You: Cover Letters

Internship application season is in full swing, and it’s hitting me harder than the poignant final moments of the High School Musical franchise. (Don’t tell me you weren’t destroyed when the camera captured Zac Efron’s teary eyes.) Selling yourself to “the man” for little to no money is a special kind of tedium; but if you think you’re bored, consider the feelings of the internship recruiters! No one wants to read a mundane application, which is why experts at The Rib compiled several ways to spice up your cover letter. You won’t find gems of advice like these at CareerLAB.

To start, break convention in a fun way and don’t mention one weakness, such as, “I care too much.” Go ahead and divulge all your weaknesses, making sure not to hold anything back. Be honest about your habit of stealing office binder clips to use as snack chip clips. Be real about the power complex that prevents you from working well in groups — they’ll almost certainly find it endearing.

Stand out from the crowd and don’t shy away from politics. If we’ve learned anything from Hamilton the Musical, it’s that equivocation does not make for popularity (cough cough, Aaron Burr). You may support Trump’s plan to stop illegal immigration with a wall, but at least you won’t be hiding behind any walls. Trust me, they’ll love this.

You can also pique their interest by telling them your favorite foods. Most employers are dying to know what your favorite brand of hummus is — they’re just too scared to ask! Make it easy on everyone and reveal your go-to granola. Your culinary preferences will reveal your personality and give them a chance to stock up on your faves before you hit the office.

Avoid being too humble. In fact, take the liberty of boasting about your achievements in explicit detail. Let them know how proud you are of that time you ate all your Jo’s mozzarella sticks in one minute (without any sauce). Employers will be like, “Wow, she’s so down to earth! Also, I’d love some mozz sticks right now.”

Another great way to distinguish yourself is to make it personal. Be an open book, and talk about that accident in second grade that has made you wary of staplers. Link to your Facebook and don’t block those photos of you with red Solo cups. Enclose a picture of your birthmark shaped like that national landmark — be yourself!

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Finally, don’t change the letter heading. Make the choice to use the same address and intro for every letter to show that you are in demand and playing hard to get. Make it clear that you’re a valuable asset with no time for attention to detail.

Experts say that if you follow these guidelines, your cover letter will be “straight fire.” Nine out of ten recruiters will say, “Is that Cayenne pepper? No, that’s just one spicy cover letter!” They will then hire you immediately.

Note: The author of this article has yet to be hired for any internships. She’s not letting it get her down, though.

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