On "The Hill", Satire

We Are All Blueno

September 29, 2016

I hate tomatoes. I hate them with an intense passion and cannot possibly fathom why anyone would enjoy their freaky texture and their tart flavor. The worst part about hating tomatoes is that out in the world there are people –real people– who freaking love tomatoes. They love them. They would marry a tomato if they could. They even invent ways in which you can grow tomatoes in your own home so you too can frighten both yourself and your neighbors, as if this election cycle isn’t doing enough of that.

That sounds a bit extreme, right? Imagine having that amount of hatred for a blue teddy bear.

Well, that’s kind of what’s happening on the Brown campus right now. It’s essentially bullying, and it needs to stop.

I suppose I just don’t understand why we are all hating on the little guy.

Is it because, at 23ft x 23ft, he’s not little? Would you make fun of your six foot-something friends for being tall? (Maybe you would if they’re hot and they’re on the crew team and they need a slice of humble pie, but still.) So he’s a giant. Big whoop. None of us made fun of Clifford when we were younger. It would have been morally corrupt and we all know it.

So he blocks the view of Ashamu. Like it wasn’t kind of awkward to see the aerial arts kids swinging around in ways you never could? Plus, whoever is in there can just look outside and see a bunch of blue ass. Score.

So he’s a bear worth $5 million, and you are $140,000 in debt. Don’t be jealous of Blueno. He can’t help it that he’s popular.

So there’s a lamp going through his head. Honestly, same.

Is Blueno’s biggest sin perhaps that he is just too blue? Have we not been taught that #BlueLivesMatter? Did we learn nothing from Eiffel 65’s hit single “Blue”? Okay, so maybe we didn’t really learn the lyrics to the song, and the debate about whether the lyrics are I’m blueda ba dee da ba daa/ or I’m blue / if I were green I would die/ is still as pertinent today as the gif vs gif discussion. (It’s gif with a soft “g” and we all know it). But we did learn one thing: being blue can be isolating.

For example, Picasso had his blue period. And he had tons of trouble at first when he tried to sell his blue period paintings. No, “Picasso having his blue period” does not mean that Picasso began to menstruate blue liquid like the pad commercials would have you believe. He was depressed AF and it made him blue.

But aren’t we all a bit blue sometimes? Don’t you ever feel a bit blue when your friends are having the time of their life on their Snapchats and Venmos, their Instagrams and Facebooks? Or when they “finally figured out their aesthetic”? We hate on Blueno because he’s a hideous cerulean piece of garbage; but, don’t we all feel like a giant piece of ugly blue trash? (A piece of trash, which, though trash, is still worth a lot?)

Why are we so afraid to be blue? It’s not like great things can’t be blue. The Blue Man group is blue. Tobias Funke is often blue. Blue from Blue’s Clues is blue. 

Maybe life isn’t all anal bead statues or aluminium children holding hands. Sometimes we get sad, because life — and college– is hard. Surely, life can at times feel as painful as having a fucking lamp inserted through your head.

So maybe we’re all a little Blueno. And maybe that’s okay.

Image via.

You Might Also Like

No Comments

Leave a Reply