January 21, 2016. A day that will live in infamy. At precisely 4:20pm (#blazeit) on a cold winter Tuesday, thousands of members of the Brown community received an email that would change everyone’s lives forever. The Interim Policy Banning the Possession and Use of Hoverboards, Self-balancing Boards, and Similar Devices.
ResLife has gone too far this time. I can tolerate the numerous broken links on their website and the infamous housing lottery, but banning hoverboards is where I draw the line. Unfortunately everyone is too worried about the batteries and charging stations potentially catching on fire to consider my numerous petitions to reverse this decision. However, not all hope is lost. Even though Brown has officially banned the use of hoverboards, there’s still a way you can get to class on time and in style. It’s called Heelys.
Put away those Swagways and grab those Swaglys. It’s time to bring back the early 2000’s. If your hoverboard was one of your essentials on your college packing list, I’m sure you also found it imperative to bring your Heelys just in case your precious non-levitating device decided to explode one day. The value and utility of these roller shoes have finally returned.
Heelys are the best of both worlds. They’re stylish and an efficient method of transportation. They also don’t catch on fire. The only known hazard is losing your balance and falling on your face, which is arguably still better than spontaneous combustion. You might ask: what about bikes and scooters? They’re also a safe alternative to hoverboards. Well, you would be correct, but you forget that you have to constantly worry about someone stealing them. With Heelys, it would be quite hard for someone to literally steal the shoes right off your feet. You also don’t need to charge your these amazing roller shoes. They never run out of power. Be like Dory and just keep Heelying.
If you own a hoverboard, you probably care a lot about your image. So you should consider using your Heelys to get to class rather than your hoverboard (which doesn’t even hover, by the way), so you look less like a major douchebag. Plus there’s this thing called stairs. Instead of constantly picking up your hoverboard (I blame Back to the Future for giving me unrealistic expectations) and then setting it back down, you can easily stop Heelying and switch to walking without drawing attention to yourself. This is pure ingenuity.
The uses for Heelys are endless. Running late to class? Heely. See someone you don’t like in front of you? Heely past them. See a dog you want to pet in the distance. HEELY AS FAST AS YOU CAN. So don’t cry too many tears over the university’s ban on hoverboards. We still have Heelys. They’ll always be here for us. No matter what.
Image via.
Welcome to the cocoon age