by Emily Adams
Do you consider yourself a strong-willed female with great hair and puckerable lips? Do you find yourself suppressing sexual tension with every male and female co-worker you’ve ever met? Do you always match your bra and panties under your masculine yet feminine pant suit? If you answered yes to any of the above, we want you.
Who are we? Well, darling, if we answered that we’d have to kill you. So for now, let’s leave it at ambiguous fourth branch of the American government with incomparable access to everything and anything you could ever want to know about our little nation. And, we’re recruiting! Open the gateway to our nation’s secrets and sleep with the president’s hottest secret service staff by reading onwards.
Job perks include but are not limited to:
- A handy, dandy pistol. Just like their liquor, every real woman can handle it. Which is why there is no training required, merely womanhood!
- A brand-new, silver BMW. Your signature ride! We’ll even put your bedazzled initials on the plates. No one will have difficulty identifying you! Even the most hellish of fugitives. But not to worry, serial killers are notorious morons; they couldn’t identify you from a mile away! Plus, in the D.C. winter, keep your buns cozy with all-inclusive seat warmers. Can’t catch a murderer with a cold!
- Exclusive invitations to governmental events without clearing security. No one cares what you’re hiding if you look like you’re supposed to be there! Attract threats to our nation’s security? Who gives a hoot? We don’t! Come on in, no frisking necessary. Unless of course, you’re getting frisky with the president. In that case, frisk on!
Enticed by what you’ve heard? Good! Take note that when hiring applicants, we look for those that possess a unique skill set. Traits listed below:
- Excessively feminine; sexy eyebrow raise; memorable yet forgettable exit strut; excellent navigation skills in utterly unfamiliar yet oddly familiar locations; a hot, catchy tag line that reveals your identity yet intimidates your killer; skin that glows in criminal lighting; dry-cleaned, expensive designer wardrobe (preferably in various shades of white for the color’s natural blending capabilities); and tendency to make inappropriate sexual advances on your newest acquaintances.
Should you display and/or possess a few or all of these attributes, we would like to hear from you. If interested, please send a résumé* and sexually alluring headshot to the following address:
Shonda Rhimes
sexyfeministcrimefighter@breaktheglassceiling.abc
Fax: (813)-432-9368
*Popcorn grease and wine stains on documents will not be permitted.
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